Insomnia is a bitch. Right now it is 2am and though my body is fatigued, my restless mind is whirling. Generally, I procure four to six hours of slumber each evening. I rarely gain uninterrupted sleep. I wake easily and am a tosser-turner on a good night. The bladder bellows at least once per evening, which is exasperating. Plus, I have sleep apnea and I fear that my breathing machine will break. I cannot afford to buy a new one. Inability to sleep is torturous. It wrecks the next day entirely.
Stress is insidious. It currently permeates every aspect of my existence. I am tense about my lack of income and trying to accomplish full-time work in part-time hours at a lousy paying dead-end job. I am troubled watching heinous Alzheimer’s consume my Mother. I am hassled by the horrid auto insurance company accusing me of lying about my injuries due to an auto crash that I did not cause. I still experience pain from the accident but have no health insurance. The yard needs to be prepped for spring. So much to do and not enough time to accomplish it all. My calendar is full and I feel frazzled. It churns in a mental twister.
I chewed my fingernails until my mid-twenties and finally broke the habit after I began to see a mental health counselor. However, when I am stressed I begin to chew again. Recently I unconsciously began to tear them off. Thus, I now have extremely short nails because I decided to trim the remainder instead of chomping on them. Not attractive.
Stress drives me to eat away my anxiety. Food in the tummy calms me down. If I get too fretful I tip the other way and can’t eat as I fall into depression. It’s a blade of a knife. I need to lose weight but mental anguish should not be the cause. I strive to take a walk or putter in the garden on a daily basis, weather permitting. Television programs are usually mediocre and I can’t afford any type of entertainment. I can fall into the storyline of a well-crafted novel for distraction. Thank goodness library books are free, well, I pay for access via my taxes. The cats are helpful. They make me take care of their needs and reward me with purrs. Writing is therapeutic, which is why I enjoy blogging and hearing back from kindred readers. It would be nice to have a beau; perhaps coupling would help me to relax.
Enough already! After an extremely dreadful phase, I am feeling better. I shall switch to cheerier topics in forthcoming entries!
Seeking R & R
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