ORIENTING THE HELP

Personal assistants can be useful, if you train them correctly. It is a lot easier to instruct them when you are young because they easily charmed. Practice looking adorable and fall asleep near them. Make certain that they are constantly repeating the phrase, “How cute” and “I love you.” Most assistants are not bright enough to understand the nuances of our language, it takes a lot of patience to teach them the most basic of commands.

Reward the patron-servant by permitting them to gaze upon your beauty. Tease them by rubbing against their leg and dashing away. If they are especially well behaved, you can consent for them to touch you briefly. It is not advised to allow them to rub your tummy too frequently because they will become emotional when you withhold affection. Mimic the “I am frightened” fledgling cry to get their attention and compensate them with a purr or chin rub when they respond appropriately. Tutor them on proper treat distribution, they are your proverbial "sugar" servant who must provide for your every need.

Ignore the helper at least once per day. Purr only when happy. Overuse of purrs can lead to the aide not fully appreciating your honored presence. Never, never use claws or bite, their skin is very delicate and breaks easily. You don’t want to have to pay for a visit to their veterinarian. It is difficult to procure good help these days. The mostly hair-less have the attention span of a gnat. Thus, you must be self-sufficient unless you are blessed with an unusually attentive attendant. Stay tidy, keep the food and water area immaculate because the stinky ones don’t like crumbs. Groom constantly since these creatures forget that they are supposed to brush you on an hourly basis. Remember, their vision, hearing, taste, and smell are limited.

Only vomit hairballs on the linoleum or cement because bipeds are fond of their carpet due to hairless feet. Use the litter box; attempts to punish the bad employee by defecating or urinating in their bed or elsewhere will only lead to petty retribution. Maintain nail health by only scratching on the posts provided by the subordinate. Destruction of property tends to upset the harmony of the house. However, it is funny to purposefully knock down items while the assistant looks on in horror.

When an underling is in a bad mood, stay away. They may lash out inappropriately. Minions occasionally make odd noises and leak water, offer them a modicum of affection. They will sometimes hug too tightly but it seems to make them feel better. Stalking and killing vermin such as mice and spiders will often lead to goodies. Remember, as a feline you are a higher being and humans are merely servants. Treat them as such.

Affectionately,
Tilly
Trainer of Ima

PS If you have properly oriented the assistant, they will cry when you are ill and cough up a large chunk of money to pay for outrageously high medical bills. Mine did and I now feel great but she is worried about paying the mortgage. Please contribute to this blog. Thanks!!

Furballs unite.
Copyright © 2014 by Ima B. Musing; All rights reserved