TEN YEAR 20/20

Wrote a letter to my ten year old self. No specific order but I wish that someone had told me. Hopefully, I would have listened and followed the advise. Another exercise inspired by 20% Theatre Company.

Dear Ten Year Old Ima,
Never doubt yourself
Write down stories from Grandparents. Record their voices on tape and film
Learn about ancestors; catalogue names, dates and all information possible
Enroll in Grandpa's tribe
Don’t get dragged into the negative elements of fundamentalist faith, focus on animism
Make a lot of friends and be a good friend
Never hide your intelligence, be proud to be a geek
Get mental health counseling from licensed art therapist NOW
Put money into retirement and college accounts NOW
Use a lunch bag, not a metal lunch box
Clean the aquarium with soapy water, not the garden hose
Don’t play a musical instrument, join choir instead
Enjoy being eccentric, don’t ever attempt to conform
Convince the popular kids to like you but don’t join their nasty clique
Befriend adults in the area who have connections to Ivy League or Oxford Colleges
Convince them to sponsor your college application and help secure loans and grants
Never be silent or hold your tongue, though don’t be cruel or mean to others
Procure GED as soon as possible and get out of town
Travel the world for a few years and become fluent in several languages
Attend a prestigious college, earn a Master of Fine Arts, and join a sorority
Obtain a PHD in cultural anthropology, become a pracademic
Stay physically active, don't gain weight
Date a lot of men, sleep with few
Adopt kids, with or without a spouse
Advocate for yourself, you deserve the best
Reside on every continent
Earn living as an artist after retiring from teaching and research
Divorce toxic biological family
Don’t regret anything that you say or do, apologize and move on
Jump over fear & shame and run towards happiness
Know that you are worthy of love, health, and wealth

Best Wishes,
Middle-Aged Ima

Thrive, don’t just survive.
© 2013 Ima B. Musing

TOTALLY NUDE, TOTALLY NAKED

Attended a workshop conducted by 20% Theatre Company. It was an interesting mix of movement and thought. Expressive movement was an excellent starting point though I am not accustomed to being an interpretive dancer. Perhaps it would have been easier to waltz around with total strangers. We did not strip off our clothes but the seminar did provide vulnerability exploration. http://tctwentypercent.org

These are some of the questions that they posed and my responses below, though I only shared a segment of the answer with class participants.
* When I look in the mirror I see…
Existentially – an ugly bag of mostly water intertwined with a complicated soul connected to the Infinite Soul.
Negative: fat, menopausal female, middle-aged, white haired, becoming wrinkly, rarely wears makeup or fixes hair, short, dowdy, bad teeth, brittle fingernails, clothes out of style, et cetera…
Positive: alive, bright sapphire eyes
Reality: The good, bad, ugly and beautiful are garbled together. My visage of self-sufficiency barely covers my internal turmoil.

* When you look at me (Ima), you think…
Negative: weirdo, repulsed by the -isms, all the repellent items mentioned in previous question
Positive: eccentric, creative, storyteller, silly, makes me laugh
Reality: It all depends upon the depth of the relationship. First glances are usually wrong.

* When I am intimate with I feel…
Intimacy is both physical and emotional. I need the emotional connection before I can engage in the physical action otherwise sex is just another form of exercise.
Negative: vulnerable, cold feet, fear of rejection, shame, afraid the nightmares will return
Positive: protected, warm, loved, wanted, needed, desired, sexy, and voluptuous
Reality: I want to be loved for my flaws. I haven’t been physically intimate with a beau for a very, very, very long while. I have to overcome my accumulated fears and shame for real intimacy. I have to trust the man and myself; neither of us will be perfect. Perfection is an illusion.

* I feel most naked when…
I reveal myself, which is what I do when I blog
Repeatedly rejected by biological family
Ill with physical or mental health (anxiety, depression)
During doctor and dental office visits
Driving in hazardous conditions (icy, snow, cold)
I feel lonely and no one calls or returns my messages
Around pessimistic or glamorous people
I make mistakes, fear getting fired from job
Being financially poor
I am harmfully impacted by situations outside of my control
Nude, the first time a lover sees me naked
Facing fear and shame

How would you respond to these questions??? Feel free to write your answers in the comment area (no swearing, offensive or obscene language, though). Thank you in advance for sharing.

Totally Nude, Totally Naked
I’m ready for you!
(The Wallets song, RIP Steve Kramer)
© 2013 Ima B. Musing