DYSFUNCTIONAL FAMILY

I hate you,
You hate me,
We’re a dys-functional family…
(Inspired by Barney, the purple dinosaur’s song)

My family sucks. The eldest sibling decided to hate me when I went to college. She got the stupid ass notion that our parents paid for my education. What a laugh. They gave me a few groceries and rides to and from school a couple times per year. That was it. I worked all during school and ended up with over $30,000 debt upon graduation.

Through the years her paranoia has increased. She has convinced sister number two to despise me. They have both borrowed money from our parents and have never paid them back. Both of them received hundreds of hours of free babysitting and lots of stuff. They have lived with our parents on occasion with their children, too. I have never asked for nor expected money or items from our parents. My dad said that siblings number one and two don’t believe him when he tells them that I am self sufficient. They are certain that I am a lesbian because I haven’t been married or bring men to visit. Their kids just go along with the crap. Multi-generational stupidity. Our mom didn’t like her sister, either.

When I bought a house almost nine years ago they were certain that our parents paid for it. Ha! I have a huge mortgage. I am making payments despite being unemployed. I have never purposely provoked my siblings. About fifteen years ago I gave them all a book of encouragement for sexual abuse survivors. I had been seeing a therapist and I wanted them to benefit from mental health counseling. That didn’t go over very well so I dropped the subject (“Letting Out the Demons” January 2011 blog for details). I strive not to complain or say negative things about them to other family members.

As an optimist, I try to keep the communication lines open. I didn’t visit for nearly six months after they were horribly rude to me. I sent my sister an email letting her know that I would be in town and hoped to see her. I was busy visiting family and friends but she never called. Our parents said that she usually works during the weekend. She had indicated a long while ago that she didn’t like phone calls so I didn’t call. I returned home and she called me with a nasty attitude. I remained calm and told her that I tried to make contact but she was still angry. I am perplexed. Why would she want to see me since she hates me?

I can only control my reaction. I really strive not to be bothered by their stupidity but it bugs me. I wish that they would be supportive and kind but that will never occur. They are not happy with anything that I say or do or don’t say or don’t do. I feel vulnerable in their presence. I don’t have anyone to take along and provide back up or comfort. I avoid my family like the plague. That is my best coping mechanism.

I’d like to cut off all communication but I maintain tenuous contact because of our parents. I feel ill after visiting. I have enough stress with unemployment (ten months), delayed repairs to my house, financial fears, and striving not to burden friends with my problems. I wish that I could divorce them.

Sick of striving.
© 2011

LETTING OUT THE DEMONS

I have been reading the book “Women, Food and God” it seems simplistic but is logical. Eating is more than about the food. When you consume calories and are not hungry, food is used as a tranquilizer. I know that is true for me. After I eat, I feel all warm and fuzzy – it relaxes me and I often fall asleep after eating (even when I was hungry). I don’t binge (eat a lot of food at once) but I obviously eat more than the calories that I burn resulting in excess weight. A person can be addicted to anything: alcohol, exercise, drugs of any kind, sex, etcetera.

I have many demons. Lots of bad stuff happened to me when I was a kid. I don’t blame my parents for what I am about to divulge, they didn’t know. I don’t blame my siblings because they were victims, too. I am angry with the adult relative “Daisy” who knew but didn’t protect us. I am certain that the abuser threatened Daisy but I wish that she had done something to keep us safe.

The demon of which I write is childhood sexual abuse perpetrated by a relative, Arnold (step-family member but still considered incest). I was in college when Daisy was dying. I was chatting with one sister when I mentioned that a different sister had an odd relationship with Daisy. That is when the truth came spilling out. I was shocked but had the proverbial “ah-ha” moment. It all made horrific sense. All the symptoms were there, I had even studied them in a college course but I couldn’t see it in my own family, let alone myself. Two siblings got pregnant in high school and are highly sexualized (lots of partners). Another sibling withdrew sexually and wouldn’t let anyone touch her until marriage. One sibling won’t admit that she was abused but it could be suppressed memories or she successfully fought him off. I suspect that one or more of my siblings are now addicted to drugs and/or alcohol.

I was very young when I was abused (the bastard died when I was five) and I suppressed the memories. Thankfully, I don’t have clear memories of the abuse. I remember not wanting to be alone with the bastard, especially at night. I would scream when Daisy left the room. I also remember seeing Arnold smile when I cried in pain and the pain was in my genital area. I still have nightmares and occasionally jump when a male touches me. Damn that demon Arnold. I hope that he is rotting in hell (if such a place exists). However, demons gain power when one is reacting in a negative manner. I can only control my reaction. Must not dwell in anger…

Don’t let the demons drag you down.
©2011