Thursday, January 31, 2013


The only thing that is constant is change. Alterations commence at conception when egg and sperm merge. Life instigates with the combination and then division of one cell into millions of cells. The DNA stipulate how the cells organize into whatever the creature may be, flora, fauna, or animal ranging from a tiny amoeba to a huge blue whale. Too much or too little cell growth will cause death. The cycle continues when our cells break down to feed other beings and thus we persist in a different form.

I believe in the Infinite Soul. Is the Infinite Soul a senescent and separate being? No. I don’t believe in a singular or plural Creator of any gender. Neither an atheist nor an agnostic, I consider myself to be an Animist. Everything is connected to the Infinite Soul, which includes all atoms, that encompasses our planet, universe and to the great unknown. The link doesn’t hinge upon a narrow definition of life.

Humans remain connected to the Infinite Soul, though we are able to operate as an individual animal. As a semi-separate entity, we are personally responsible for our choices. It is easier to be a negative pessimist. Violence is used by the weak. People with a feeble soul act out aggressively to bully, lie, cheat, steal, manipulate, micromanage, rape, murder, et cetera. They seek to control because they fear being controlled. They impose unrealistic perfection upon others, feel superior, and hide their vulnerabilities. They don’t want to be shamed by their own flaws. They don’t feel guilt for doing negative things to others. What a sad, sad existence.

There are too many examples of megalomania and it’s tragic that this behavior still exists today. We need to evolve beyond that behavior if we are to survive. It is a harder journey to seek the positive. I strive to embrace my vulnerability and shame. I am flawed: Therefore I am. I am a mixture of positive and negative traits. 1 + 1 = 3 my flawed parts make a larger whole. I must surrender to the intertwined complicated partnership and see the holy in the praxis of myself.

Compassionate acceptance of myself is excruciatingly difficult. It’s less demanding to permit the imperfections of others than tolerate those traits in my own being. I think that it would be easier if I felt romantically loved and desired by someone. I am a complete being but it would be nice to know that someone else wants to be with me. That another human accepts the Ima-potpourri and wants to ease the pains of my wounds and I wish to do the same for them. Together we help each other be stronger and live optimistically. Not blind to the challenges but grasping hands and walking through the trials and tribulations together.

Cock-eyed optimist, no, quixotic, just a wee bit, but I seek to live Whole Heartedly. I viewed a couple TED talks featuring Brene Brown. She is funny and insightful. I need to read her books. I’m glad that she admitted that it’s a difficult journey to engaging your entire being. Its much less effort to shield oneself or fall into negativity. It is hard to be kind to myself. I have to reject the internalized criticisms heaped upon me by my family and myself. It is excruciatingly difficult to even write down these thoughts. The adage, name it to tame it, comes to mind. I have to name this process and delve in to eject the bad and grow the good. I’ll save that for another posting…

Be Kind to Yourself.
© 2013 Ima B. Musing

Monday, January 28, 2013


Awed by the esoterically poetic film, Wings of Desire, upon my first viewing during college. Traveled by bus to the Uptown Theater on a dreary winter afternoon in the late 1980s and watched it with friends. It’s superbly arcane, lucidly confusing, and I was charmed. Afterwards, we went to Figilio’s and I consumed a Morte El’Chocolato, yummy decadence. Spoiler Alert: If you haven’t seen the movie and don’t want to learn about the plot, stop reading, watch the film, and then return to this blog.

The angels look concerned, yet jaded by their eternal existence. The library is their cathedral. I felt sorry for Cassiel. He seemed to be the most fretful about the plight of humans. Damiel is prepared to sacrifice eternity for a chance at visceral experiences. He doesn’t even know if Marion will love him, but he’s keen to try. What an optimist, despite knowing the imperfections of humans. Marion is bored as an aerialist. Will their ennui evaporate in each other’s arms? They seem happy the morning after copulation but long-term relationships must deal with the harshness of reality.

Wim Wender directed an classic film. The script is filled with existentialist angst, though at times it becomes convoluted and too long. Punk beat poet Nick Cave and the Bad Seeds thrash out tunes while the majority of the music is passionate ethereal vocals. It oddly fits together. Tillie, my youngest cat, is a Caver – she always perked up when the band was playing. Mr. Cave certainly looks emaciated and rather drugged out in this film. The hued scenes beautifully contrast the film noir gray tones. There is second part of the story, “Faraway, So Close,” but I have been unable to locate a copy of it at the library. I may have to rent it elsewhere (when I have the funds).

It would be wonderful if the story were updated with diversity. Perhaps it could be set in Baghdad, Iraq or Kabul, Afghanistan. Ang Lee is about the only American director with the poetic sensibility to revisit the splendor of the piece. My life span has nearly doubled since my first screening and I can understand more of the nuances. As a rather naive twenty-something, I quixotically dreamt that I could be desirable enough to cause an angel to give up his wings. I don’t believe in angels or demons anymore…

Fly with me.
© 2013 Ima B. Musing

Friday, January 25, 2013


Congratulations on the beginning of your second term and impressive inauguration speech. I trust that you will lead the United States into become a more equitable place for women, same-sex couples, and all people of diversity. We are only as strong as the weakest amongst us so please do not cut education or support for those in poverty.

I fear that the Beltway Mentality will stymie your efforts. Many occupants of the Beltway consider themselves to be superior to other American citizens. This superiority complex is a form of narcissism and we all know what happened to Narcissus. I strongly urge you to fill open jobs with experts who are not connected with the Beltway of Washington, D.C. Bring in fresh realistic ideas to the Capitol and perhaps it will help to loosen the Congressional constipation.

As a person with Native American heritage, I sincerely hope that you will pay attention to Indian Country; many of my relatives continue to suffer from the American Holocaust. Best wishes with your endeavors. If you’d like to chat, please let me know.

Ima B. Musing
Concerned Citizen

PS I'm extremely happy that women will be gaining equal status in the military with full combat duties. As the military goes, so goes our culture since veterans hold many positions of authority in the civilian world. Thank you!!!

Best Wishes!
© 2013 Ima B. Musing

Tuesday, January 22, 2013


I’ve decided to respond to everyone who sends me a message on I do have some expectations; first, they must reside in the Twin Cities or else be planning to move here. I don’t want a long-distance relationship. Second, nonsmokers only. Smoke causes me to cough, sparks my allergies, smells horrid, and can trigger an asthma attack. Third, their profile must not raise any concerns regarding prejudice or negative attitude. They need to be employed or going to college. I will politely decline those who do not meet these basic qualifications.

Thankfully, I can institute some of these parameters when I search for a mate, but peculiarly the system doesn’t match their search parameters with mine. Case in point. I was matched with a very fascinating man but when I reviewed his profile, he didn’t’ want to be with anyone over the age of 40. I am definitely over 40. The system has some quirks.

Coffee consumption meeting will be arranged for those who pass muster. Granted, I don’t drink brewed beans. I will sip tea, hot chocolate, or another beverage but it is less complicated to just state the ubiquitous coffee. Beverage shops tend to be good for conversation unless everyone has their nose glued to a computer/phone screen or it’s crowded. I will pay for my own swill. I can’t afford dinner and bars can be a bit lurid. I just want to determine if there is an intellectual connection and indescribable spark between us.

I have received several messages and declined the out-of-towners immediately. I looked up one man’s profile and it sounded interesting until I reviewed the “Just the two of us” section. He stated that homosexuality was a sin so that was a deal-breaker. Better than wasting time on an incompatible match. I think that same-sex couples should marry just like heterosexuals. Love is love. Boost the economy with wedding paraphernalia and divorce lawyer fees.

Another jerk emailed, “Hey sexy” and we were less than 75% compatible. What a tosser! One man had a nice message and I liked his profile but he had not responded to very many Cupid questions. I encouraged him to complete some more and then perhaps we could meet for coffee. He deluged me with four text messages within a few hours, each one become more belligerent. Not a good sign. I am not online every day; if they can’t be patient enough to wait for a response I am not interested. I may have to block some of these blokes.

I don’t know if I’ll ever get married. I always planned to get hitched after college, have a couple kids, work, and spend retirement with my hubby. My tipped uterus and recent onset of menopause nixes natural childbirth and I’m probably considered too old to adopt. I didn’t want to adopt as a single parent. I’ll have to work full-time until I’m 70 and probably part-time until I die because I have pittance saved for retirement. I’m afraid that I’ll be poor and lonely. No, I don’t want someone to financially sustain me, emotional support is much more important.

Seeking a sweetie pie.
© 2013 Ima B. Musing

Saturday, January 19, 2013


At times, you just have to stop reading. These are books never sparked my interest enough to complete the novel. If you have suggestions of better works by these authors, please let me know.

The Rise of Ransom City by Felix Gilman Zero Worms
Discombobulated fake memoir. Difficult to follow the story. I gave up after a couple chapters of confusion.

Lenin’s Kises by Yan Lianke Zero Worms
Terrible format for translation. Every other chapter featured background information as “Further Reading.” It would have worked better to have the translation information at the back of the novel instead of interrupting the narrative. Unable to trudge through the novel.

Lolita by Vladimir Nabokov Zero Worms
Disturbing subject for such a gifted writer. Justification for pedophilia was disgusting. Quit reading when I learned that the child was twelve.

Silent House by Orhan Pamluk Zero Worms
Perhaps something was lost during the conversion to English. Characters didn’t compel me to keep reading even after three chapters.

The Forgetting Tree by Tatjana Soli Zero Worms
Intriguing story until the work of fiction was ruined by subtle racism. It began with the Latino characters all in the role of servants and the only black character being overtly romanticized. When Minna was “[sic] hunched, as if enduring a strong wind, or preparing for a lash” on page 143, I quit reading. Racist banter is especially appalling when related to modern characters. I just hope the author was not intentionally discriminatory.

Just forget about it.
© 2013 Ima B. Musing

Wednesday, January 16, 2013


Reincarnate me as a pampered cat
Warm home
Place to roam
Tasty food
Fresh water
Toys galore
Treats every day
Rub my tummy
Scrub my ears
Scratch my chin
I’m all in!

© 2013 Ima B. Musing

Sunday, January 13, 2013


I think it’s hilarious and incredibly absurd when a man states, “I don’t want anyone with baggage.” Life is baggage. Everything that happens (good, bad, beautiful, and ugly) defines who you are as a human. No baggage equals an ugly bag of mostly water. It is all about how you carry your baggage as you travel on the train of life. Does it burden and torture you or not? You can chose to accept that the baggage exists and store it away so that it only causes a bother on a rare occasion.

My heart has been crushed many times. Body and mind overwhelmed by pain. Mentally fueled anxiety of what did I do wrong, what didn’t I do, what is wrong with me, etcetera. Crash into the drowning depths of depression, which is swirled by the anguish of anxiety. Terrible experience. No desires to eat, drink, sleep or else too much sleep. It’s a torturous whirlpool that threatens the death of hope, dreams, the future, and possibly physical demise. Jumping off the train.

When you crawl out of the pit and shake off the pain, you are scarred. You feel hesitant to enter into another romantic relationship. You hold back your heart and reduce your expectations. You ignore flirtations and forget to flirt with potential mates. Time elapses, your looks fade into wrinkles as your waistline expands. You blink and you are middle aged. Alone. Sometimes lonely.

The only cure is a romantic relationship. You dust off your hopes and dreams and sign up with an online dating service. You take a chance that someone will find your baggage appealing. Seeking a mate who will want to ride together for a while or until you transfer to another experience (aka death). Love lightens the luggage and makes it more bearable. Love helps to heal the scars of pain. Get me on the love train!

Boarding Pass: Hope Junction
© 2013 Ima B. Musing

Thursday, January 10, 2013


My heart has been shattered myriad times. First, there was Ted who dumped me to go backpacking with his former girlfriend through Europe. Second, was Mitch. I was falling for him, we became intimate and then he broke it off. I later learned that he was already engaged to someone and I was the “other woman.” What a slime-ball. If he cheated while they were dating, he will cheat while they are married. It still hurt to be discarded. Mitch also boasted about being friends with all his former lovers. I think its good to be cordial with an ex, essential when kids are involved, and great to be friendly. Friendship is a bit too far. I would always worry that Mitch would want to get back with the ex. Been there, done that with Ted.

Third archer was Donel. We worked together and it was probably foolish of me to hook up with someone I’d see on the job. Chemistry overwhelmed me as our flirtations became intimate. He said that his former girlfriend was gone forever. Of course, his ex Cherlyn moved back to Minnesota and he started to act oddly. We never officially broke up but I heard through the grapevine that they had reunited. Cherlyn started working at the restaurant and threatened me with a knife when we were alone. She said that they had never broken up and that I had seduced Donel, which was not true. I softly told her that he had lied to both of us and couldn’t be trusted. They both quit their jobs and began to stalk me. Cherlyn was very aggressive and I was concerned that she would hurt me. I had to move, place a privacy hold on my driver’s license and car registration, and change my phone number to unlisted. Thankfully, they didn’t harass me at my new apartment but it was rather frightening.

I’ve dated lots of other men and broke up with a few on my own. JT was a smart, funny, and jealous. He got all worked up about my gay friends. He could not imagine that a male-female relationship could be platonic. I know that jealously is based in fear and lack of trust. I should have urged couples counseling but ended our relationship instead. I’ve already written about some of the men I “hung out” with and never kissed. Not sure why we didn’t became physical. The mental attraction was there but we were too shy or just lacked the chemistry. Women have also asked me out and I’ve politely turned them down. No chemistry.

No more poison, please.
© 2013 Ima B. Musing

Monday, January 7, 2013


Filled with a combination of anticipation and apprehension I signed up with the online dating website. Standard “who are you” profile outline and a photo started the process. Pleased that they require a photo of a human and have some basic decency standards.

Okcupid utilizes a behavioral questionnaire format to make its matches. You are asked a personal question with a few options, indicate what you would accept as a response from a potential match, and how important the question is to you. There is also an opportunity to write an independent retort to the question. It is a logical format and the more questions that you answer, the better opportunity that you have to be matched with someone who has similar responses. It is a tedious process but reasonable. They should provide detailed parameters of what “match, friend, and enemy” ratings entail which are listed next to a potential date.

Most of the questions are appropriate. Personal grooming habit inquests were a surprise. However, I am rather affronted by the continuous inquiry regarding drug usage and sex. Moderate social alcoholic consumption is fine but I have no interest in any other drugs. I wish that there would be a threshold query that stated, no drugs. Period. End of discussion.

As for sex, that is a private matter that I don’t care to discuss on their website. My libido is fully intact. I am a slow pot to boil regarding sexual interaction. It takes me a while to trust a man enough to be kissed, let alone touched. A one-night stand (aka sex on a first date or encounter) can be momentary thrilling. I’ve experienced one-niters but never felt emotionally fulfilled afterwards. Sex without emotion is merely exercise.

Granted, I haven’t been intimate for a while. Too long of a time. I am no longer a skinny twenty-something. I’m twice the woman that I was, gained a few wrinkles, and my hair turned completely white in my thirties. I hope that there is a nice guy who likes me and has integrity, intelligence, and a sense of humor. He need to be absolutely single and a nonsmoker. Politically socially liberal and tolerant of others. Somebody who will love me for my flaws. Perfection is an illusion.

Okcupid would be much improved if I could restrict messages from out of the geographical area; I only want to date local men. They should never refer to any woman as a girl, its derogatory. Some of the ads are annoying, especially concerning weight control and the site keeps trying to add cookies to my computer. If these issues persist, I may just sign off.

Cupid, shoot that arrow.
© 2013 Ima B. Musing

Saturday, January 5, 2013


I’ve been attracted to males since pre-school. My first kiss was not romantic. In second grade I pushed a boy to the playground dirt, sat on him and kissed him. Since two older siblings got pregnant in high school, I was not permitted to date until I was sixteen. I really wasn’t interested in the foolish boys from my high school. The only guys I liked were dating someone else or lived in another city. No a lot of options in a little town. I was a goodie two shoes…

My first kiss was during my first semester in college. I attended the University of Minnesota, Waseca and lived on campus. I don’t even remember his name. The kiss was intense and I remember having a scratched face from his stubble. He wanted to have sex but I wasn’t ready for that experience so he never asked me out again. The campus was small and there weren’t very many fascinating men around.

Transferring from Waseca to U of M - Minneapolis greatly increased the number of eligible males. I tended to develop crushes on the unavailable ones, either homosexual or attached to someone else. I dated a few guys but never progressed beyond kissing until I was 20. Ted was eight years older and in graduate school. Smart, funny, cute. I fell in love and we made love. Ted was well-endowed and it was incredibly painful experience. I enjoyed being with him but the actual act of intercourse was atrocious. He broke up with me to travel Europe with an old girlfriend.

Ted broke my heart in seventeen places (silly clever Tracy Ullman song). Just after he departed I realized that I was pregnant. Took a home pregnancy test to confirm and freaked out. A couple days later I had an awful bleed. I went to Boynton Health Services to confirm that I had miscarried. They made sure that the entire placenta had discharged and diagnosed me with a tipped uterus. My bits are at a bad angle for both sex and carrying a child to term. I can become pregnant but it’s unlikely that I can ever give birth. What a depressing thing to learn at the tender age of twenty-one.

Love, marriage, and adopting kids were on my agenda right after I graduated from college. I dated on occasion. Selective about whom I had sex with since AIDS was a death plague. Only one guy really affected my heart. He ran away to Colorado and we never spoke again. I sought out counseling to deal with being sexually abused by my step-grandfather as a child. I have vacillated between wanting to be in a relationship and independence. Women tend to sacrifice more of themselves than men do in a relationship. Continued to seek a partner and all of a sudden I was forty-something.

It has been years since I’ve been on a date, let alone knocked the proverbial boots. I am filled with apprehension but I need to jump over the fear. I have signed up with a no-cost online dating service. As I was registering, I actually received notes from men. What? I didn’t respond because how could we even check on compatibility if I hadn’t completed the questionnaire? I know several people who have met their mates via ‘Tis better to try than sit at home and sigh.

Tea for Two.
© 2013 Ima B. Musing

Thursday, January 3, 2013


Rejected once again. I really wanted that job, it would have been challenging, offered the opportunity for advancement, and the pay was terrific. Instead, I get a cold email stating that they had filled the position. I began to cry. It hurts to be rejected over and over and over again. I have been searching for employment for so damn long. My self-confidence is eroding along with my savings account.

My finances are so tight that I am anxious that I won’t be able to pay my mortgage. I don’t buy anything beyond absolute necessities. I have cancelled memberships, subscriptions to the newspaper and magazines, and ceased purchasing health care. I subsisted on my garden produce this summer and now I rely upon the generosity of the food shelf. Auto and home repairs are delayed along with dental work. I applied for Energy Assistance to help with home heating bills, though their budget has been cut so the aide will be pittance. I keep the house at 58 degrees. The darn cats refuse to work and expect me to take care of them.

Part time work with lousy pay doesn’t cover the bills. Nickeled and dimed into poverty. It takes so much time to search for a job and go on interviews. Terrified of getting injured or ill. No back up from family. I’m on my own. Normally, I prefer to be independent but now I’m a scared. The fear brings a lot of stress and insomnia. A friend has offered to lend me some money but loans ruin relationships. I don’t want to risk our friendship because of my prolonged underemployment. I have been accessing what I can sell. I have a few collections that have sentimental value but I have to push that emotion aside and seek monetary value.

Seeking full-time job with benefits in the Twin Cities, MN area. College educated with experience in program management, human resources, marketing, and training. Skills in communications, emergency response and disaster management. All referrals greatly appreciated.

If you wish to help financially, please send your gift to Thank you ever so much!!

Hire Me!
© 2013 Ima B. Musing

Tuesday, January 1, 2013


World Peace. Yes, but let’s be practical. My number one aspiration for 2013 is a full time job with benefits in the Twin Cities, MN area, preferably the East Metro. I want a job that I am good at and enjoy, with a nice boss and co-workers. I need enough money to pay the bills, donate to charity, and save for retirement. I continue to diligently apply for positions and seek interviews.

Second desire is a beau. It would be enjoyable to have romantic companionship. A nice man with integrity, intelligence, and wit. Single and a nonsmoker. Physical contact, mmm. He should be politically liberal-leaning, patron of the arts, tolerant of people that he disagrees with, and likes cats. I have recently joined a no-cost online dating service and will write about my adventures.

Good health is a perennial requirement. I need to lose weight but otherwise I am doing okay. Gradually, more aches and pains are expressing themselves. I don’t heal as quickly as I used to and my energy level can wane at times. Mental health is just as important as physical health. Despite all the stress of life, I have been able to maintain a fairly optimistic attitude. I hit nasty bumps but I’m getting better at returning to level emotional ground. It’s all about how I react to problems. I can only control my response.

Spiritual well being is another method of emotional grounding. I’m glad that I joined the Unitarian-Universalist faith-based group last year. They are extremely liberal and tolerant. I can be an Animist who questions the existence of Creator(s) and be welcomed as a member of the congregation. I am becoming more active and getting to know people.

I continue to yearn for a better relationship with members of my family. Unfortunately, that has been an unfulfilled wish for many years. It’s better for my mental health just to stay away from them. No matter what I say or do, they consider it wrong. I feel too vulnerable right now to deal with their drama. Sad, sad situation.

Creativity is another objective. I greatly enjoy blogging, volunteering, and coordinating the Cash Mob St Paul MN group. I’d like to explore creative writing and visual arts. It’s been a while since I’ve let my imagination run wild. I don’t expect to make money but perhaps I can craft gifts for my friends.

As always, thank you for your readership. I am most honored that you patronize this odd blog. I greatly appreciate your support and when you refer others to view my writings. The more the merrier!

Have a Fantastic 2013!
© 2013 Ima B. Musing