DEALING WITH DEMONS

My best friend in high school was a male, Markus. Markus could not figure out why I would strike at him whenever he did not announce himself and scare me. He was gay so his touch was never sexual. My body must have remembered the sexual abuse perpetrated when I was a wee child and was protecting me on an unconscious level.

I was in my early twenties when my sibling revealed to me about the incest sexual abuse done by a step-relative. I finally understood the nightmares and skittish reaction to male touch. I went for a few counseling sessions but wasn’t impressed by the therapist (she was a newbie). About a year later I joined a sexual abuse survivors group but didn’t feel comfortable. It took another couple years before I located a gifted art therapist, Nelly, who was able to help me make some progress.

Nelly understood that because the abuse occurred before I knew words, it was difficult for me to articulate what happened. I would draw or create a mini sculpture and talk about the feelings. I had built up walls of resistance since I was an infant to protect myself from pain. I remember watching a Star Trek rerun when I was in kindergarten (my dad would turn on the tv when I got home from school when my mom wasn’t home). I learned that Spock protected himself by having no feelings and that is what I decided to emulate. I experienced limited emotions until Nelly helped me to lower some of the barriers. It took a lot of meetings with Nelly but it was worth every hour and every penny (I was able to see her at a community clinic with a lower fee).

Feelings are great but still make me rather vulnerable. I have learned to avoid my family because they make me feel extra vulnerable. No matter what I say or do my siblings will never be happy. They will never be kind or supportive of me. Unfortunately, I get reminded of this frequently. Nelly told me that it is probably because I have sought out counseling and they have not. I urged them to get help but they only reacted hatefully. I have had limited contact with my siblings and their offspring for over ten years. At times I am tempted to completely withdraw all contact and just have them communicate via a lawyer. After our parents die, that will probably be the sad case. It is a pitiful situation. They should direct their anger at Arnold, the perpetrator of the sexual abuse, not me.

Keep seeking; a good therapist is out there! (Experienced and legally licensed counselor is the best option.)
© 2011

LETTING OUT THE DEMONS

I have been reading the book “Women, Food and God” it seems simplistic but is logical. Eating is more than about the food. When you consume calories and are not hungry, food is used as a tranquilizer. I know that is true for me. After I eat, I feel all warm and fuzzy – it relaxes me and I often fall asleep after eating (even when I was hungry). I don’t binge (eat a lot of food at once) but I obviously eat more than the calories that I burn resulting in excess weight. A person can be addicted to anything: alcohol, exercise, drugs of any kind, sex, etcetera.

I have many demons. Lots of bad stuff happened to me when I was a kid. I don’t blame my parents for what I am about to divulge, they didn’t know. I don’t blame my siblings because they were victims, too. I am angry with the adult relative “Daisy” who knew but didn’t protect us. I am certain that the abuser threatened Daisy but I wish that she had done something to keep us safe.

The demon of which I write is childhood sexual abuse perpetrated by a relative, Arnold (step-family member but still considered incest). I was in college when Daisy was dying. I was chatting with one sister when I mentioned that a different sister had an odd relationship with Daisy. That is when the truth came spilling out. I was shocked but had the proverbial “ah-ha” moment. It all made horrific sense. All the symptoms were there, I had even studied them in a college course but I couldn’t see it in my own family, let alone myself. Two siblings got pregnant in high school and are highly sexualized (lots of partners). Another sibling withdrew sexually and wouldn’t let anyone touch her until marriage. One sibling won’t admit that she was abused but it could be suppressed memories or she successfully fought him off. I suspect that one or more of my siblings are now addicted to drugs and/or alcohol.

I was very young when I was abused (the bastard died when I was five) and I suppressed the memories. Thankfully, I don’t have clear memories of the abuse. I remember not wanting to be alone with the bastard, especially at night. I would scream when Daisy left the room. I also remember seeing Arnold smile when I cried in pain and the pain was in my genital area. I still have nightmares and occasionally jump when a male touches me. Damn that demon Arnold. I hope that he is rotting in hell (if such a place exists). However, demons gain power when one is reacting in a negative manner. I can only control my reaction. Must not dwell in anger…

Don’t let the demons drag you down.
©2011