BLEAK HOUSE

The past several years have been an extremely difficult period in my life. My terrible journey was published on March 12th. As you know, I deal with low-grade anxiety every day. The anxiety makes me fret. Worry interrupts my concentration, causes nervous eating, insomnia, and low self-esteem. The worst-case scenario leads to panic attack, nausea, and irritable bowel syndrome, yuck.

I have learned how to keep most of the symptoms of anxiety at bay by employing organization to reduce stress. Accomplishing a task or two each day improves my mood. I like to be occupied but not too busy. I need some quiet time to recharge myself. I can become overwhelmed by too much of anything such as noise, smells, vibrations, or visual stimulation. Bright sunshine or intense lights can cause me discomfort. Despite having a high IQ (which is situational), I fall slightly into the autistic spectrum with a touch of Aspburgers just to make life interesting.

During that horrible week I was besieged by all my problems. My anxiety peaked along with physical pain from the auto accident. The combination sent me spinning towards depression. Depression plus anxiety is pure hell. You feel anxious about being miserable and too down in the dumps to reduce the angst that causes the blues. It’s a horrid situation. Thankfully, I realized it after I wrote the blog entry and was able to pull myself away from the pit of despair.

I am feeling much better now. No, my challenges have not vanished but I refuse to permit them to vex me. The only thing that I can control is my reaction. I choose not to fall into that sink-hole again. Each day is a battle but I shall survive. I sought out friends to share my woes. They offered sympathy and well wishes. I have to concentrate on the people who do like me and forget about those who are ambivalent or negative (my family).

If you are ever feeling sad or negative, seek help. You deserve to be happy and positive. I met with a kind counselor on a regular basis and developed methods to cope with the emotional roller coaster of life. There are many free or low cost mental health resources available, just research them in your community. Find an experienced, licensed, and professional therapist and explore behavioral methods to thwart the agony. Don’t worry; be happy or at least neutral.

Zozo’s breathing is still a concern. I'll write more about that at another time.

Keep on Truckin’.
© 2013 Ima B. Musing

DEALING WITH DEMONS

My best friend in high school was a male, Markus. Markus could not figure out why I would strike at him whenever he did not announce himself and scare me. He was gay so his touch was never sexual. My body must have remembered the sexual abuse perpetrated when I was a wee child and was protecting me on an unconscious level.

I was in my early twenties when my sibling revealed to me about the incest sexual abuse done by a step-relative. I finally understood the nightmares and skittish reaction to male touch. I went for a few counseling sessions but wasn’t impressed by the therapist (she was a newbie). About a year later I joined a sexual abuse survivors group but didn’t feel comfortable. It took another couple years before I located a gifted art therapist, Nelly, who was able to help me make some progress.

Nelly understood that because the abuse occurred before I knew words, it was difficult for me to articulate what happened. I would draw or create a mini sculpture and talk about the feelings. I had built up walls of resistance since I was an infant to protect myself from pain. I remember watching a Star Trek rerun when I was in kindergarten (my dad would turn on the tv when I got home from school when my mom wasn’t home). I learned that Spock protected himself by having no feelings and that is what I decided to emulate. I experienced limited emotions until Nelly helped me to lower some of the barriers. It took a lot of meetings with Nelly but it was worth every hour and every penny (I was able to see her at a community clinic with a lower fee).

Feelings are great but still make me rather vulnerable. I have learned to avoid my family because they make me feel extra vulnerable. No matter what I say or do my siblings will never be happy. They will never be kind or supportive of me. Unfortunately, I get reminded of this frequently. Nelly told me that it is probably because I have sought out counseling and they have not. I urged them to get help but they only reacted hatefully. I have had limited contact with my siblings and their offspring for over ten years. At times I am tempted to completely withdraw all contact and just have them communicate via a lawyer. After our parents die, that will probably be the sad case. It is a pitiful situation. They should direct their anger at Arnold, the perpetrator of the sexual abuse, not me.

Keep seeking; a good therapist is out there! (Experienced and legally licensed counselor is the best option.)
© 2011