The pain was too much. Options were exhausted. He chose to leap into the icy water from a bridge. What remained of the body was discovered nearly two weeks later nearly ten miles downstream. It is with great sadness that I write of Joshua who committed suicide a couple months ago. He was an intelligent, funny and nice person. We had been acquainted for several years since we had mutual friends. I would chat with him at parties and give him a hug. I was always happy to bump into him while out and about since he was so very personable.
I never knew of his depression or anxieties. He only informed a few people in our group of friends. I worked for several years with people who have SPMI serious and persistent mental illness. Joshua was interested in my work but never told me of his own challenges. I wish that he had reached out to someone during his last hour of life. Perhaps they could have gotten him to a hospital for help. Suicide is final. I fear that he changed his mind as he neared the water but it was too late. If he did survive the fall, the cold water would have rendered him unconscious within ten minutes or so. I hope he was at least knocked out from the fall and did not suffer physical pain on top of the mental anguish.
Some people consider suicide as selfish. I think that is rarely the case. I have contemplated ceasing existence many times. I didn’t think that my life was worth the bother. No one would miss me if I were dead. I was in fact a burden upon the planet. Thankfully, I was able to quell those negative thoughts with the assistance of a talented therapist. I haven’t felt that bad for years but occasionally the fleeting idea of suicide enters my mind. It is not a viable option anymore. If anything, my cats need me.
Most people with mental illness are highly intelligent and profoundly sensitive. Unfortunately, our society still attaches stigma to this medical condition. Mental health is a biological genetic disposition, the person neither weak of personal will nor did they choose to feel differently. We need to accept mental illness like any other treatable malady. People with SPMI are contributing members of our society and you probably aren’t aware of who has mental health issues and who doesn’t. Very very few people fall into the stereotypical “crazy” behavior. www.nami.org has a lot of great information.
If you have suicidal thoughts contact the Helpline at 1-800-273-8255 and visit www.save.org for other resources. Suicide Awareness – Voices of Education is a wonderful organization and also offers support for people who have lost a loved one to suicide. Just reach out, we need you to stay on this planet. I wish I could have told that to Joshua.
Choose to Live.
© 2011
Showing posts with label suicide. Show all posts
Showing posts with label suicide. Show all posts
Thursday, June 16, 2011
Monday, October 25, 2010
IT GETS BETTER, REALLY
He was bigger than me. I was rather scared but I punched him in the stomach. He cried and I was sent to the corner. I was about four years old and fought a bully, but I was punished. Granted, I shouldn’t have hit him. The teacher should have made the preschool a safe place and protected the “square pegs” like myself.
Bullies have harassed me since I was small. I loved learning but I hated to go to grammar school. I never fit in; I was the “odd duck.” My father told me it was my fault, my mother talked to the teacher and I was sent to see the Principal. All he did was tell the other kids to leave me alone. The result was social isolation. In 4th grade I came very close to committing suicide.
Middle school created the opportunity for older students to harangue me on the way to school. They taunted me even when I sat right behind the bus driver. He never did anything to stop them. One day they got off the bus to beat me up. Fortunately, I had my musical instrument case with me and used it to defend myself. The instrument wasn’t damaged but I was terrified. I refused to go to school for a week and came close to suicide again.
High school provided for bullies from the entire city to verbally abuse me. Upper class members protected me when I was with them. When they graduated, I became vulnerable. Thankfully, I had developed some friendships and found ways to meet people outside of my little town school. I joined a statewide group and learned that there were weirder kids than me in the world. Oddly enough, that was a relief because when a bully would say that I was strange I knew that I wasn’t as odd as a kid that I knew from a different town.
My biological family is not supportive; my eldest sibling is a bully. I have encountered bullies at work. I guess that I have a target on my soul; bullies seem to gravitate towards me. I wish that I could have told my little four-year old self to be a proud duck. Let the taunts of bullies slide off, like water slides off a duck. Swim or fly away. There are better ponds without bullies.
Bullies are cowards. They use words and actions to intimidate. They pick on others because their own self-esteem is crap. I have learned to ignore the bully, forgive and pity them. I have to avoid my family and hang out with nicer people. I choose to be with a family-of-choice, supportive people with whom have no biological connection. They are the best bully deflectors.
Life gets better, really.
Join www.itgetsbetterproject.com to be supportive of gay-lesbian-bisexual-transgendered-crossdressing-intrasex-questioning-queer and all kids who don't quite fit in.
© 2010
Bullies have harassed me since I was small. I loved learning but I hated to go to grammar school. I never fit in; I was the “odd duck.” My father told me it was my fault, my mother talked to the teacher and I was sent to see the Principal. All he did was tell the other kids to leave me alone. The result was social isolation. In 4th grade I came very close to committing suicide.
Middle school created the opportunity for older students to harangue me on the way to school. They taunted me even when I sat right behind the bus driver. He never did anything to stop them. One day they got off the bus to beat me up. Fortunately, I had my musical instrument case with me and used it to defend myself. The instrument wasn’t damaged but I was terrified. I refused to go to school for a week and came close to suicide again.
High school provided for bullies from the entire city to verbally abuse me. Upper class members protected me when I was with them. When they graduated, I became vulnerable. Thankfully, I had developed some friendships and found ways to meet people outside of my little town school. I joined a statewide group and learned that there were weirder kids than me in the world. Oddly enough, that was a relief because when a bully would say that I was strange I knew that I wasn’t as odd as a kid that I knew from a different town.
My biological family is not supportive; my eldest sibling is a bully. I have encountered bullies at work. I guess that I have a target on my soul; bullies seem to gravitate towards me. I wish that I could have told my little four-year old self to be a proud duck. Let the taunts of bullies slide off, like water slides off a duck. Swim or fly away. There are better ponds without bullies.
Bullies are cowards. They use words and actions to intimidate. They pick on others because their own self-esteem is crap. I have learned to ignore the bully, forgive and pity them. I have to avoid my family and hang out with nicer people. I choose to be with a family-of-choice, supportive people with whom have no biological connection. They are the best bully deflectors.
Life gets better, really.
Join www.itgetsbetterproject.com to be supportive of gay-lesbian-bisexual-transgendered-crossdressing-intrasex-questioning-queer and all kids who don't quite fit in.
© 2010
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