He was taught it was evil and unnatural. It was dangerous to explore in rural Minnesota. He believes that that God condemns it. More than seven decades of self-loathing, over fifty years of marriage, and numerous prodigy did not heal him. Prayer only brought more pain. He hates the fact that his soul desires the companionship of another man. He has had numerous affairs with men and continues to view online pornography. He is my father.
I kinda realized that my dear old dad was at least bi-sexual in grade school. He had issues of Playgirl tucked away in the basement. Though I thought it was strange, he couldn’t be gay if he was married, right? I was naive and decided that someone must have sent him the magazines as a joke. During high school he and my mom had a huge fight about his ongoing affair. He said it didn’t count since no children could be born, again, I didn’t comprehend the insinuation.
Once I entered college, my best friend came out to me as gay. He was concerned that I would reject him because of my conservative faith. I had already separated myself from organized religion and we remained friends. We became closer because he could be completely honest with me. However, he gently pointed out to me that my dad was probably gay. HIV/AIDS was a new diagnosis and it frightened me. I gathered up prevention brochures and discreetly placed them in my dad’s office. I didn’t want him to contract the disease and give it to my mom. He never acknowledged their presence.
During the ensuing years, my dad has developed a fascination with my gay friends. He constantly asks how the couples are doing. My heart breaks for him. He hasn’t been able to be truthful about his sexuality and has suffered greatly. I think that he loved my mom but that faded long ago. Decades of misery together. They should have divorced and each located a good man for companionship.
I’ve made it clear to my father that homosexuality is a gift from the Creator (however it is defined, if it exists at all). He has never discussed his sexuality with me. I just wonder what would have happened if he could have been candid from the beginning. I know that I would not of been born but at least he and my mother would have had a better chance of being happy separately. He is now taking care of her since her dementia is getting worse every day.
I will vote NO to the Anti-Marriage Amendment ballot question in Minnesota on November 6th, 2012. I will vote NO in honor of my father and all the self-homophobic people like him. The Minnesota State Constitution should never limit rights or mandate morality. My dad deserves to love himself and be loved by a terrific man.
P.S. This is not “outing” my father, even if you read all my blogs you would not know the community where my family resides. If I were writing under my real name I would never discuss this topic openly, I would not risk causing him more discomfort.
UPDATE: Minnesotans wisely voted to defeat this amendment, the first state to stop this type of horrendous amendment. YEAH!
Love is Love.
© 2012 Ima B. Musing