Thursday, November 7, 2013


Went en masse to Dad’s after the unfun-eral to sort though the 100+ condolence cards. He had already received about 20 in the mail and was surprised by the outpouring of affection for Mum. People liked Mom because she was kind, generous, and helpful. Dad is gregarious but condescending. Changed clothes. Ate supper. Mom showed up during dessert. I could clearly see her shape and could feel her happiness. I tried to make contact with my niece and sister who are also sensitive but could not get their attention. Surprised that #2 gave me a hug as she departed.

Slept at Betty’s, packed my stuff, and headed back to Dad’s. #1 & #3 were sorting Mom’s clothes eager to send a box full to their homes. I couldn’t handle it. I went into the kitchen and cried into my tea. #1 made nasty remarks and I departed. I can’t deal with her drama. #3 wanted to come with me but I do not have the emotional strength at this time. She did seem sad that I was leaving whereas #1 barely grunted when I wished her a safe journey home. #3 had promised to give me gas money for picking her up at the airport but she never followed through.

Visited the windswept graveside and sobbed. The 1 white and 4 red roses that had been on her casket were tossed aside and onto the headstone of my grandfather. I presume it occurred while they were sealing the casket into the vault, lowering it into the cold ground, and filling the hole with soil. It felt like a sting that the mortician in charge didn’t mind the details. I moved it to be on top of her decaying mortal coil. I know her soul is gone but it hurts so much.

I haven’t felt this depth of pain since Grandpa died while I was in middle school. I had to calm down in the auto for a while before I was safe to drive home. Tilly greeted me with a “Hold me” meow; I gratefully obliged her. Zozo snuggled on the couch later. However, I fell into deep despair. Wept and wept until I was dehydrated. Slept horribly.

When I did dream it was intense. I was attending an opening for a large metal twisting sculpture, which was seven stories high with two observation decks. I had procured free general admission tickets and planed to rendezvous with a friend. On the way to the event I stopped to help an elderly couple whose son who worked on the project. Met with the friend and joined the crowd. After the official dedication, my friend got us special passes to the lower deck. We rode the elevator up to the deck and I was thrilled. We were getting ready to depart when we bumped into the couple that was leaving. They remembered me and gave me their VIP Passes. My friend, unknown identity since I never saw their face in the dream, and I traveled up to the upper deck and were greeted to a special reception with music, food, drink, and celebrities. I was only interested in the sculpture’s details. A gorgeous man said that I had a “childlike response to art,” which made me feel insulted and I yelled at him. I didn’t know that he was the elderly couple’s son and the chief engineer for the project. He apologized and the next instant I was marrying him with the couple smiling in the first row. That is where the dream ended. Very very peculiar.

Back to reality. The morning after returning home I finally schlepped my luggage to the bedroom. Not in the mood to unpack. Decided to harvest my remaining produce before it frosted or froze. Brought in several buckets of green tomatoes, peppers, cucumbers, beans, and broccoli. Too tired to clean up the outdoor garden mess – it will have to wait. Gloomy weather matches my somber mood. Reluctantly turned on the furnace.

Don’t erase Mom!
Copyright © 2013 by Ima B. Musing; All rights reserved

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