AUTO BODY OOPS

My premiere accident occurred only a few weeks after I purchased my first auto. It had taken me a couple years to save enough money to partially finance a used vehicle and procure a loan. I was so happy for the independence after riding the bus and relying upon lifts from friends. I’d had my license since the age of sixteen but didn’t buy a car for over a decade. I was so happy to locate a nice used car. The stoplight had turned amber and I was seeking to clear the intersection when the other driver decided to zoom ahead. The right front corner of my car was smashed. It took a lot of time to physically and emotionally heal from the trauma. I know that I was partially to blame for making the turn.

My second accident happened a couple years later on the highway. The car behind me hit an icy patch and crashed into my wee Toyota Tercel. The back end of my car was crumpled. I was thrown against the door and knocked out. I had incredible pain after that mishap. The car should have been totaled because it never healed properly. I really should have sued due to my injuries.

About eight years ago I was rear ended by an inattentive driver on the highway. He was in his 20s and his mother called me and left a threatening message. She stated that her brother was an insurance inspector and would check me out for fraud. I really should have reported her and sued but I didn’t. My Dodge Spirit wasn’t hurt badly but I had a mild case of whiplash.

Auto accidents are a physical and emotional pain and logistical nightmare. I am already busy and now I have to deal with phone calls, medical appointments, and paperwork. I know that I am not at fault for being rear-ended but I still have to coordinate the logistics. My anxiety has increased significantly and I practice relaxation techniques to drive during inclimate weather. I’d prefer to travel by bus to work but it’s close to two-hours travel time each direction and that probably isn’t good for my back either.

After the accident I shuffled over to my neighbor’s houses. We usually take turns clearing a path on each other’s sidewalks for the myriad walkers in the neighborhood. I informed them of the auto accident and asked if they would be so kind as to shovel for me until I felt better. They were benevolent to oblige. I will find a way to repay them in-kind. I don’t have money to hire a neighbor kid to shovel for me.

It isn’t about pride; it’s concerning self-sufficiency. I ought to be able to take care of myself and help others. I have a responsibility to assist and its uncomfortable to receive. I already have to use the food shelf and heat-share due to being poor. I keep seeking a full-time job. Numerous interviews and no employment offer. I have cut out all but bare bones necessity expenses. My savings are dwindling and I will be in mortgage default soon. Adding another stress is unsustainable. I want to scream and cry, “Why?” What the heck have I done to be thrown into this pit? This camel’s back is hurt and nearly broken.

Contributions are greatly appreciated. Please send your donation to: http://www.gofundme.com/i4ix0? Thank you ever so much!!

Poor pitiful me.
© 2013 Ima B. Musing

CONNECTION JUNCTION

The only thing that is constant is change. Alterations commence at conception when egg and sperm merge. Life instigates with the combination and then division of one cell into millions of cells. The DNA stipulate how the cells organize into whatever the creature may be, flora, fauna, or animal ranging from a tiny amoeba to a huge blue whale. Too much or too little cell growth will cause death. The cycle continues when our cells break down to feed other beings and thus we persist in a different form.

I believe in the Infinite Soul. Is the Infinite Soul a senescent and separate being? No. I don’t believe in a singular or plural Creator of any gender. Neither an atheist nor an agnostic, I consider myself to be an Animist. Everything is connected to the Infinite Soul, which includes all atoms, that encompasses our planet, universe and to the great unknown. The link doesn’t hinge upon a narrow definition of life.

Humans remain connected to the Infinite Soul, though we are able to operate as an individual animal. As a semi-separate entity, we are personally responsible for our choices. It is easier to be a negative pessimist. Violence is used by the weak. People with a feeble soul act out aggressively to bully, lie, cheat, steal, manipulate, micromanage, rape, murder, et cetera. They seek to control because they fear being controlled. They impose unrealistic perfection upon others, feel superior, and hide their vulnerabilities. They don’t want to be shamed by their own flaws. They don’t feel guilt for doing negative things to others. What a sad, sad existence.

There are too many examples of megalomania and it’s tragic that this behavior still exists today. We need to evolve beyond that behavior if we are to survive. It is a harder journey to seek the positive. I strive to embrace my vulnerability and shame. I am flawed: Therefore I am. I am a mixture of positive and negative traits. 1 + 1 = 3 my flawed parts make a larger whole. I must surrender to the intertwined complicated partnership and see the holy in the praxis of myself.

Compassionate acceptance of myself is excruciatingly difficult. It’s less demanding to permit the imperfections of others than tolerate those traits in my own being. I think that it would be easier if I felt romantically loved and desired by someone. I am a complete being but it would be nice to know that someone else wants to be with me. That another human accepts the Ima-potpourri and wants to ease the pains of my wounds and I wish to do the same for them. Together we help each other be stronger and live optimistically. Not blind to the challenges but grasping hands and walking through the trials and tribulations together.

Cock-eyed optimist, no, quixotic, just a wee bit, but I seek to live Whole Heartedly. I viewed a couple TED talks featuring Brene Brown. She is funny and insightful. I need to read her books. I’m glad that she admitted that it’s a difficult journey to engaging your entire being. Its much less effort to shield oneself or fall into negativity. It is hard to be kind to myself. I have to reject the internalized criticisms heaped upon me by my family and myself. It is excruciatingly difficult to even write down these thoughts. The adage, name it to tame it, comes to mind. I have to name this process and delve in to eject the bad and grow the good. I’ll save that for another posting…

Be Kind to Yourself.
© 2013 Ima B. Musing

THINGS I EXCEL AT

* Advocating for others
* Loyal, dependable and hard working
* Gardening - sharing produce and flowers with others
* Giving gifts and cards – when I have funds
* Writing – thanks for reading this blog!
* Volunteering and helping others
* Training and writing curriculum
* Noticing problems and how to correct them
* Innovating – prodigious ideas are always springing forth
* Organizing my work office
* Happy, healthy, affectionate feline companions
* Cooking (though I hate cleaning up afterwards)
* Providing opinions and advice – so hire me!

Maybe some parts of me are kiln-fired, too.
© 2012 Ima B. Musing

THINGS I SUCK AT

* Organizing my home office – I despite piles of paperwork
* Plumbing, electrical, and automotive repair – afraid to make a mistake
* Painting walls – too difficult to stay inside the lines
* Shopping for myself – I’d rather purchase gifts for others
* Cleaning up hairballs and litter box – yuck
* Criticism – frightens me
* Interpersonal relationships (family & romance) – I’m oft lost
* Micromanaged at work – terrifies me
* Driving – boring
* Vacuuming – where did all the hair come from?
* Weight control – exercise is torture
* Finding and keeping employment – what is a good job for a high-functioning mild-Asperger adult?
* Busy mind, see too much, and respond too fast - people accuse me of being an intimidating “know it all” but I really don’t feel that way. Thus, I have to stay silent even though I’m burning to speak out loud which is why I blog…

My entire being is clay.
© 2012 Ima B. Musing