I’ve been attracted to males since pre-school. My first kiss was not romantic. In second grade I pushed a boy to the playground dirt, sat on him and kissed him. Since two older siblings got pregnant in high school, I was not permitted to date until I was sixteen. I really wasn’t interested in the foolish boys from my high school. The only guys I liked were dating someone else or lived in another city. No a lot of options in a little town. I was a goodie two shoes…
My first kiss was during my first semester in college. I attended the University of Minnesota, Waseca and lived on campus. I don’t even remember his name. The kiss was intense and I remember having a scratched face from his stubble. He wanted to have sex but I wasn’t ready for that experience so he never asked me out again. The campus was small and there weren’t very many fascinating men around.
Transferring from Waseca to U of M - Minneapolis greatly increased the number of eligible males. I tended to develop crushes on the unavailable ones, either homosexual or attached to someone else. I dated a few guys but never progressed beyond kissing until I was 20. Ted was eight years older and in graduate school. Smart, funny, cute. I fell in love and we made love. Ted was well-endowed and it was incredibly painful experience. I enjoyed being with him but the actual act of intercourse was atrocious. He broke up with me to travel Europe with an old girlfriend.
Ted broke my heart in seventeen places (silly clever Tracy Ullman song). Just after he departed I realized that I was pregnant. Took a home pregnancy test to confirm and freaked out. A couple days later I had an awful bleed. I went to Boynton Health Services to confirm that I had miscarried. They made sure that the entire placenta had discharged and diagnosed me with a tipped uterus. My bits are at a bad angle for both sex and carrying a child to term. I can become pregnant but it’s unlikely that I can ever give birth. What a depressing thing to learn at the tender age of twenty-one.
Love, marriage, and adopting kids were on my agenda right after I graduated from college. I dated on occasion. Selective about whom I had sex with since AIDS was a death plague. Only one guy really affected my heart. He ran away to Colorado and we never spoke again. I sought out counseling to deal with being sexually abused by my step-grandfather as a child. I have vacillated between wanting to be in a relationship and independence. Women tend to sacrifice more of themselves than men do in a relationship. Continued to seek a partner and all of a sudden I was forty-something.
It has been years since I’ve been on a date, let alone knocked the proverbial boots. I am filled with apprehension but I need to jump over the fear. I have signed up with a no-cost online Okcupid.com dating service. As I was registering, I actually received notes from men. What? I didn’t respond because how could we even check on compatibility if I hadn’t completed the questionnaire? I know several people who have met their mates via Match.com. ‘Tis better to try than sit at home and sigh.
Tea for Two.
© 2013 Ima B. Musing