Insomnia is a bitch. Right now it is 2am and though my body is fatigued, my restless mind is whirling. Generally, I procure four to six hours of slumber each evening. I rarely gain uninterrupted sleep. I wake easily and am a tosser-turner on a good night. The bladder bellows at least once per evening, which is exasperating. Plus, I have sleep apnea and I fear that my breathing machine will break. I cannot afford to buy a new one. Inability to sleep is torturous. It wrecks the next day entirely.
Stress is insidious. It currently permeates every aspect of my existence. I am tense about my lack of income and trying to accomplish full-time work in part-time hours at a lousy paying dead-end job. I am troubled watching heinous Alzheimer’s consume my Mother. I am hassled by the horrid auto insurance company accusing me of lying about my injuries due to an auto crash that I did not cause. I still experience pain from the accident but have no health insurance. The yard needs to be prepped for spring. So much to do and not enough time to accomplish it all. My calendar is full and I feel frazzled. It churns in a mental twister.
I chewed my fingernails until my mid-twenties and finally broke the habit after I began to see a mental health counselor. However, when I am stressed I begin to chew again. Recently I unconsciously began to tear them off. Thus, I now have extremely short nails because I decided to trim the remainder instead of chomping on them. Not attractive.
Stress drives me to eat away my anxiety. Food in the tummy calms me down. If I get too fretful I tip the other way and can’t eat as I fall into depression. It’s a blade of a knife. I need to lose weight but mental anguish should not be the cause. I strive to take a walk or putter in the garden on a daily basis, weather permitting. Television programs are usually mediocre and I can’t afford any type of entertainment. I can fall into the storyline of a well-crafted novel for distraction. Thank goodness library books are free, well, I pay for access via my taxes. The cats are helpful. They make me take care of their needs and reward me with purrs. Writing is therapeutic, which is why I enjoy blogging and hearing back from kindred readers. It would be nice to have a beau; perhaps coupling would help me to relax.
Enough already! After an extremely dreadful phase, I am feeling better. I shall switch to cheerier topics in forthcoming entries!
Seeking R & R
© Copyright 2013 Ima B. Musing: all rights reserved.
Showing posts with label depression. Show all posts
Showing posts with label depression. Show all posts
Thursday, May 16, 2013
Tuesday, May 7, 2013
PULLING OF HAIR
Attended a two-day conference out of town, which was paid for by the sponsoring organization. Returned invigorated by the meetings and exhausted from travel. A pile of notices from my auto insurance company was in the mailbox. I decided to read them. To my dismay, the company is only paying part of my bills from the accident. I am responsible for several visits to the chiropractor and all the massages. I was immediately overwhelmed with fear. How can I pay these bills? I am nearly broke. I began to cry and then sob. I was tired, hungry, dehydrated and now frightened. Terrified is a better descriptor.
Tears rolled down my cheeks. I felt dizzy and disoriented. Panic. Fear. Utter despair. My mind automatically swarmed to foreclosure and losing everything. I’m not a materialistic person but I like my house. I like having a garden and cats. I know that they are a luxury but why am I being punished? What have I done wrong? I volunteer, I donate (when funds permit), and seek to help others. I’ve worked in nonprofits and educational settings for most of my career.
The anxiety sent me spiraling toward the yawning pit of depression. I couldn’t sleep or eat. I could barely drink water. I tried to distract myself but it was difficult. I was in a horrible funk for several days. A friend called and was very concerned because she said that I didn’t sound like my usual perky self. I finally was able to do some chores on the third day but I just can’t deal with the bills right now. My chiropractor has called but I am not able to communicate with her. I don’t know where I will get the money to pay her fee.
I still have to deal with the insurance company. I can’t afford to hire a lawyer to appeal. I want to switch to another company but feel too stressed right now. I am still in the midst of a hectic phase and under a lot of pressure at work. My boss will be starting a two week leave soon, which only adds to the stress. I just want to pull out my hair and scream. Frustrated. Flustered. Still afraid of foreclosure and bankruptcy. All the cats want is food, water, clean litter box and a cuddle. My sweet baboo, Tilly, crawled up on my chest and took a nap after I cried on the couch. At least the cats love me, though I wish that they would contribute to the household income.
Saved by a Purr.
© Copyright 2013 Ima B. Musing: all rights reserved.
Tears rolled down my cheeks. I felt dizzy and disoriented. Panic. Fear. Utter despair. My mind automatically swarmed to foreclosure and losing everything. I’m not a materialistic person but I like my house. I like having a garden and cats. I know that they are a luxury but why am I being punished? What have I done wrong? I volunteer, I donate (when funds permit), and seek to help others. I’ve worked in nonprofits and educational settings for most of my career.
The anxiety sent me spiraling toward the yawning pit of depression. I couldn’t sleep or eat. I could barely drink water. I tried to distract myself but it was difficult. I was in a horrible funk for several days. A friend called and was very concerned because she said that I didn’t sound like my usual perky self. I finally was able to do some chores on the third day but I just can’t deal with the bills right now. My chiropractor has called but I am not able to communicate with her. I don’t know where I will get the money to pay her fee.
I still have to deal with the insurance company. I can’t afford to hire a lawyer to appeal. I want to switch to another company but feel too stressed right now. I am still in the midst of a hectic phase and under a lot of pressure at work. My boss will be starting a two week leave soon, which only adds to the stress. I just want to pull out my hair and scream. Frustrated. Flustered. Still afraid of foreclosure and bankruptcy. All the cats want is food, water, clean litter box and a cuddle. My sweet baboo, Tilly, crawled up on my chest and took a nap after I cried on the couch. At least the cats love me, though I wish that they would contribute to the household income.
Saved by a Purr.
© Copyright 2013 Ima B. Musing: all rights reserved.
Sunday, January 13, 2013
ALL ABOARD
I think it’s hilarious and incredibly absurd when a man states, “I don’t want anyone with baggage.” Life is baggage. Everything that happens (good, bad, beautiful, and ugly) defines who you are as a human. No baggage equals an ugly bag of mostly water. It is all about how you carry your baggage as you travel on the train of life. Does it burden and torture you or not? You can chose to accept that the baggage exists and store it away so that it only causes a bother on a rare occasion.
My heart has been crushed many times. Body and mind overwhelmed by pain. Mentally fueled anxiety of what did I do wrong, what didn’t I do, what is wrong with me, etcetera. Crash into the drowning depths of depression, which is swirled by the anguish of anxiety. Terrible experience. No desires to eat, drink, sleep or else too much sleep. It’s a torturous whirlpool that threatens the death of hope, dreams, the future, and possibly physical demise. Jumping off the train.
When you crawl out of the pit and shake off the pain, you are scarred. You feel hesitant to enter into another romantic relationship. You hold back your heart and reduce your expectations. You ignore flirtations and forget to flirt with potential mates. Time elapses, your looks fade into wrinkles as your waistline expands. You blink and you are middle aged. Alone. Sometimes lonely.
The only cure is a romantic relationship. You dust off your hopes and dreams and sign up with an online dating service. You take a chance that someone will find your baggage appealing. Seeking a mate who will want to ride together for a while or until you transfer to another experience (aka death). Love lightens the luggage and makes it more bearable. Love helps to heal the scars of pain. Get me on the love train!
Boarding Pass: Hope Junction
© 2013 Ima B. Musing
My heart has been crushed many times. Body and mind overwhelmed by pain. Mentally fueled anxiety of what did I do wrong, what didn’t I do, what is wrong with me, etcetera. Crash into the drowning depths of depression, which is swirled by the anguish of anxiety. Terrible experience. No desires to eat, drink, sleep or else too much sleep. It’s a torturous whirlpool that threatens the death of hope, dreams, the future, and possibly physical demise. Jumping off the train.
When you crawl out of the pit and shake off the pain, you are scarred. You feel hesitant to enter into another romantic relationship. You hold back your heart and reduce your expectations. You ignore flirtations and forget to flirt with potential mates. Time elapses, your looks fade into wrinkles as your waistline expands. You blink and you are middle aged. Alone. Sometimes lonely.
The only cure is a romantic relationship. You dust off your hopes and dreams and sign up with an online dating service. You take a chance that someone will find your baggage appealing. Seeking a mate who will want to ride together for a while or until you transfer to another experience (aka death). Love lightens the luggage and makes it more bearable. Love helps to heal the scars of pain. Get me on the love train!
Boarding Pass: Hope Junction
© 2013 Ima B. Musing
Monday, May 14, 2012
DEAD TIRED
Weary. I am so sick and tired of seeking employment. I apply for jobs and attend networking events but with no positive result. I have sent out over 500 applications and been on over 20 interviews. A friend of mine told me to stop counting but I have a rough estimate of the mounting rejections. Woe is me.
I wish that there were a method to scan me in, just once. It would obtain all my skills and work preferences and then automatically match me with openings. I would then scan the openings and indicate which ones I that intrigue me. I wouldn’t have to spend hours and hours and hours looking for opportunities and hoping for a match. Filling out the same information on different forms, it is so bloody tedious. Perhaps Linked In could create this feature. I’d love it.
It makes me ask what is wrong with me? I have education and experience. I can do a lot. I can learn new skills. Yes, I am a flawed human. I just feel a bit desperate because I fear financial catastrophe. I’m gonna give up the search. I will acquiesce to temp jobs after ardently seeking employment since July 2010. I removed my Master degree from my resume since apparently it intimidates supervisors. Sad, but true.
I hate temporary work. The pay is bad, no benefits, awful training (if any), and you get treated like crap by the temp agency and the employer. I have never had a good experience while temping. One time I got to an office and another temp worker showed up, the agency had double booked us. Because he had been with the agency longer, he got the job. I was totally pissed and never worked for the agency again. There is no guarantee that any temp agency will place you in a position so you have to sign up with several and hope.
My anxiety has increased and I have had touches of depression. A very dangerous combination. My self-esteem has suffered from the myriad rebuffs. I feel fearful about the future. My optimism is drowning in doubt. Thankfully, it is springtime and I can putter in the yard. Growing my garden always makes me feel better and provides a physical outlet for the stress. Plus, I can eat the results. I feel rather guilty when going to the food-shelf. I’d much rather donate than receive.
Please hire me.
© 2012 Ima B. Musing
PS Monetary gifts can be directed to www.gofundme.com/i4ix0 account. Thanks!
I wish that there were a method to scan me in, just once. It would obtain all my skills and work preferences and then automatically match me with openings. I would then scan the openings and indicate which ones I that intrigue me. I wouldn’t have to spend hours and hours and hours looking for opportunities and hoping for a match. Filling out the same information on different forms, it is so bloody tedious. Perhaps Linked In could create this feature. I’d love it.
It makes me ask what is wrong with me? I have education and experience. I can do a lot. I can learn new skills. Yes, I am a flawed human. I just feel a bit desperate because I fear financial catastrophe. I’m gonna give up the search. I will acquiesce to temp jobs after ardently seeking employment since July 2010. I removed my Master degree from my resume since apparently it intimidates supervisors. Sad, but true.
I hate temporary work. The pay is bad, no benefits, awful training (if any), and you get treated like crap by the temp agency and the employer. I have never had a good experience while temping. One time I got to an office and another temp worker showed up, the agency had double booked us. Because he had been with the agency longer, he got the job. I was totally pissed and never worked for the agency again. There is no guarantee that any temp agency will place you in a position so you have to sign up with several and hope.
My anxiety has increased and I have had touches of depression. A very dangerous combination. My self-esteem has suffered from the myriad rebuffs. I feel fearful about the future. My optimism is drowning in doubt. Thankfully, it is springtime and I can putter in the yard. Growing my garden always makes me feel better and provides a physical outlet for the stress. Plus, I can eat the results. I feel rather guilty when going to the food-shelf. I’d much rather donate than receive.
Please hire me.
© 2012 Ima B. Musing
PS Monetary gifts can be directed to www.gofundme.com/i4ix0 account. Thanks!
Friday, July 23, 2010
ADRIFT AT SEA
Grief is not enjoyable. As mentioned in the previous blog, my cat of 7 years, Momo died of cancer in May. The vet suggested that she lose weight so I procured a low-calorie food and I just thought that she didn’t like it. I put her back onto regular food but she didn’t gain back weight so I took her to the vet. Ten days later I had to euthanize her because she was having trouble walking and started to smell sweet. The sweet smell is called ketones a gas given off by mammals as our organs shut down. It was profoundly difficult.
I resigned in April from a job where I liked most of my co-workers (didn’t like the hours being cut to part-time with no benefits) and took another job that I had been warned by two previous employees to avoid. I did not heed their advice because I wanted full time work. I had quickly realized that it was not a good fit and was already seeking another position but the transition occurred faster than I anticipated. Fired in July. I now am filled with anxiety and a touch of depression. Not a good combination.
Another stressor is family. My parents have both had health issues and my mom may have Alzheimer’s. Losing her personality before her body dies and the obvious stress on my dad. I am not close with my family because they are not nice to me. It is best for me to avoid them. I crave closeness but accept that it will never happen.
I have good friends but my two closest friends are busy raising children so I try not to burden them with my sorrows. No romantic partner to lean on. I was injured in May and still dealing with the healing process. The injury hurt so much today that I couldn’t do chores.
I still cry on occasion about Momo. I’m not a freak about animals (too much time spent on a farm) but she was a good companion. She wanted me around. The kitten is sweet, she does like to cuddle. Perhaps I can’t choose a name because I’m afraid of losing her, too.
I’m feeling a bit adrift at sea.
© 2010
I resigned in April from a job where I liked most of my co-workers (didn’t like the hours being cut to part-time with no benefits) and took another job that I had been warned by two previous employees to avoid. I did not heed their advice because I wanted full time work. I had quickly realized that it was not a good fit and was already seeking another position but the transition occurred faster than I anticipated. Fired in July. I now am filled with anxiety and a touch of depression. Not a good combination.
Another stressor is family. My parents have both had health issues and my mom may have Alzheimer’s. Losing her personality before her body dies and the obvious stress on my dad. I am not close with my family because they are not nice to me. It is best for me to avoid them. I crave closeness but accept that it will never happen.
I have good friends but my two closest friends are busy raising children so I try not to burden them with my sorrows. No romantic partner to lean on. I was injured in May and still dealing with the healing process. The injury hurt so much today that I couldn’t do chores.
I still cry on occasion about Momo. I’m not a freak about animals (too much time spent on a farm) but she was a good companion. She wanted me around. The kitten is sweet, she does like to cuddle. Perhaps I can’t choose a name because I’m afraid of losing her, too.
I’m feeling a bit adrift at sea.
© 2010
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