DREAM ON –

Someday Soon he’ll come around
To sweep me off my feet
Our eyes will meet and our
Arms entwine as love lifts us
Above the clouds
To see the shining sun, where there
Is no rain or gray
How bright our eyes will Sparkle
At the thought of each other
But if I hope too much or
Wait too long
He will never come and I’ll
be left Alone
Dreaming.

NOTE: This poem was written on the back of the letter sent to my mother when I was a 19-year-old romantic. I had barely dated and only kissed two guys, lightly. Was it prophetic or a self-fulfilling prophecy? Alas, I’m 40-something now and alone…

Photo by Lisa Jaster www.lmjoriginals.com/

Oh Santa, I'd like a boyfriend or hubby.
Copyright © 2013 by Ima B. Musing; All rights reserved.

IMA’S ART REVIEW: WINGS OF DESIRE

Awed by the esoterically poetic film, Wings of Desire, upon my first viewing during college. Traveled by bus to the Uptown Theater on a dreary winter afternoon in the late 1980s and watched it with friends. It’s superbly arcane, lucidly confusing, and I was charmed. Afterwards, we went to Figilio’s and I consumed a Morte El’Chocolato, yummy decadence. Spoiler Alert: If you haven’t seen the movie and don’t want to learn about the plot, stop reading, watch the film, and then return to this blog.

The angels look concerned, yet jaded by their eternal existence. The library is their cathedral. I felt sorry for Cassiel. He seemed to be the most fretful about the plight of humans. Damiel is prepared to sacrifice eternity for a chance at visceral experiences. He doesn’t even know if Marion will love him, but he’s keen to try. What an optimist, despite knowing the imperfections of humans. Marion is bored as an aerialist. Will their ennui evaporate in each other’s arms? They seem happy the morning after copulation but long-term relationships must deal with the harshness of reality.

Wim Wender directed an classic film. The script is filled with existentialist angst, though at times it becomes convoluted and too long. Punk beat poet Nick Cave and the Bad Seeds thrash out tunes while the majority of the music is passionate ethereal vocals. It oddly fits together. Tillie, my youngest cat, is a Caver – she always perked up when the band was playing. Mr. Cave certainly looks emaciated and rather drugged out in this film. The hued scenes beautifully contrast the film noir gray tones. There is second part of the story, “Faraway, So Close,” but I have been unable to locate a copy of it at the library. I may have to rent it elsewhere (when I have the funds).

It would be wonderful if the story were updated with diversity. Perhaps it could be set in Baghdad, Iraq or Kabul, Afghanistan. Ang Lee is about the only American director with the poetic sensibility to revisit the splendor of the piece. My life span has nearly doubled since my first screening and I can understand more of the nuances. As a rather naive twenty-something, I quixotically dreamt that I could be desirable enough to cause an angel to give up his wings. I don’t believe in angels or demons anymore…

Fly with me.
© 2013 Ima B. Musing

BOARDING PASS

I’ve decided to respond to everyone who sends me a message on okcupid.com. I do have some expectations; first, they must reside in the Twin Cities or else be planning to move here. I don’t want a long-distance relationship. Second, nonsmokers only. Smoke causes me to cough, sparks my allergies, smells horrid, and can trigger an asthma attack. Third, their profile must not raise any concerns regarding prejudice or negative attitude. They need to be employed or going to college. I will politely decline those who do not meet these basic qualifications.

Thankfully, I can institute some of these parameters when I search for a mate, but peculiarly the system doesn’t match their search parameters with mine. Case in point. I was matched with a very fascinating man but when I reviewed his profile, he didn’t’ want to be with anyone over the age of 40. I am definitely over 40. The okcupid.com system has some quirks.

Coffee consumption meeting will be arranged for those who pass muster. Granted, I don’t drink brewed beans. I will sip tea, hot chocolate, or another beverage but it is less complicated to just state the ubiquitous coffee. Beverage shops tend to be good for conversation unless everyone has their nose glued to a computer/phone screen or it’s crowded. I will pay for my own swill. I can’t afford dinner and bars can be a bit lurid. I just want to determine if there is an intellectual connection and indescribable spark between us.

I have received several messages and declined the out-of-towners immediately. I looked up one man’s profile and it sounded interesting until I reviewed the “Just the two of us” section. He stated that homosexuality was a sin so that was a deal-breaker. Better than wasting time on an incompatible match. I think that same-sex couples should marry just like heterosexuals. Love is love. Boost the economy with wedding paraphernalia and divorce lawyer fees.

Another jerk emailed, “Hey sexy” and we were less than 75% compatible. What a tosser! One man had a nice message and I liked his profile but he had not responded to very many Cupid questions. I encouraged him to complete some more and then perhaps we could meet for coffee. He deluged me with four text messages within a few hours, each one become more belligerent. Not a good sign. I am not online every day; if they can’t be patient enough to wait for a response I am not interested. I may have to block some of these blokes.

I don’t know if I’ll ever get married. I always planned to get hitched after college, have a couple kids, work, and spend retirement with my hubby. My tipped uterus and recent onset of menopause nixes natural childbirth and I’m probably considered too old to adopt. I didn’t want to adopt as a single parent. I’ll have to work full-time until I’m 70 and probably part-time until I die because I have pittance saved for retirement. I’m afraid that I’ll be poor and lonely. No, I don’t want someone to financially sustain me, emotional support is much more important.

Seeking a sweetie pie.
© 2013 Ima B. Musing

ALL ABOARD

I think it’s hilarious and incredibly absurd when a man states, “I don’t want anyone with baggage.” Life is baggage. Everything that happens (good, bad, beautiful, and ugly) defines who you are as a human. No baggage equals an ugly bag of mostly water. It is all about how you carry your baggage as you travel on the train of life. Does it burden and torture you or not? You can chose to accept that the baggage exists and store it away so that it only causes a bother on a rare occasion.

My heart has been crushed many times. Body and mind overwhelmed by pain. Mentally fueled anxiety of what did I do wrong, what didn’t I do, what is wrong with me, etcetera. Crash into the drowning depths of depression, which is swirled by the anguish of anxiety. Terrible experience. No desires to eat, drink, sleep or else too much sleep. It’s a torturous whirlpool that threatens the death of hope, dreams, the future, and possibly physical demise. Jumping off the train.

When you crawl out of the pit and shake off the pain, you are scarred. You feel hesitant to enter into another romantic relationship. You hold back your heart and reduce your expectations. You ignore flirtations and forget to flirt with potential mates. Time elapses, your looks fade into wrinkles as your waistline expands. You blink and you are middle aged. Alone. Sometimes lonely.

The only cure is a romantic relationship. You dust off your hopes and dreams and sign up with an online dating service. You take a chance that someone will find your baggage appealing. Seeking a mate who will want to ride together for a while or until you transfer to another experience (aka death). Love lightens the luggage and makes it more bearable. Love helps to heal the scars of pain. Get me on the love train!

Boarding Pass: Hope Junction
© 2013 Ima B. Musing

POISON ARROWS

My heart has been shattered myriad times. First, there was Ted who dumped me to go backpacking with his former girlfriend through Europe. Second, was Mitch. I was falling for him, we became intimate and then he broke it off. I later learned that he was already engaged to someone and I was the “other woman.” What a slime-ball. If he cheated while they were dating, he will cheat while they are married. It still hurt to be discarded. Mitch also boasted about being friends with all his former lovers. I think its good to be cordial with an ex, essential when kids are involved, and great to be friendly. Friendship is a bit too far. I would always worry that Mitch would want to get back with the ex. Been there, done that with Ted.

Third archer was Donel. We worked together and it was probably foolish of me to hook up with someone I’d see on the job. Chemistry overwhelmed me as our flirtations became intimate. He said that his former girlfriend was gone forever. Of course, his ex Cherlyn moved back to Minnesota and he started to act oddly. We never officially broke up but I heard through the grapevine that they had reunited. Cherlyn started working at the restaurant and threatened me with a knife when we were alone. She said that they had never broken up and that I had seduced Donel, which was not true. I softly told her that he had lied to both of us and couldn’t be trusted. They both quit their jobs and began to stalk me. Cherlyn was very aggressive and I was concerned that she would hurt me. I had to move, place a privacy hold on my driver’s license and car registration, and change my phone number to unlisted. Thankfully, they didn’t harass me at my new apartment but it was rather frightening.

I’ve dated lots of other men and broke up with a few on my own. JT was a smart, funny, and jealous. He got all worked up about my gay friends. He could not imagine that a male-female relationship could be platonic. I know that jealously is based in fear and lack of trust. I should have urged couples counseling but ended our relationship instead. I’ve already written about some of the men I “hung out” with and never kissed. Not sure why we didn’t became physical. The mental attraction was there but we were too shy or just lacked the chemistry. Women have also asked me out and I’ve politely turned them down. No chemistry.

No more poison, please.
© 2013 Ima B. Musing

DRAW YOUR BOW

Filled with a combination of anticipation and apprehension I signed up with the online dating www.okcupid.com website. Standard “who are you” profile outline and a photo started the process. Pleased that they require a photo of a human and have some basic decency standards.

Okcupid utilizes a behavioral questionnaire format to make its matches. You are asked a personal question with a few options, indicate what you would accept as a response from a potential match, and how important the question is to you. There is also an opportunity to write an independent retort to the question. It is a logical format and the more questions that you answer, the better opportunity that you have to be matched with someone who has similar responses. It is a tedious process but reasonable. They should provide detailed parameters of what “match, friend, and enemy” ratings entail which are listed next to a potential date.

Most of the questions are appropriate. Personal grooming habit inquests were a surprise. However, I am rather affronted by the continuous inquiry regarding drug usage and sex. Moderate social alcoholic consumption is fine but I have no interest in any other drugs. I wish that there would be a threshold query that stated, no drugs. Period. End of discussion.

As for sex, that is a private matter that I don’t care to discuss on their website. My libido is fully intact. I am a slow pot to boil regarding sexual interaction. It takes me a while to trust a man enough to be kissed, let alone touched. A one-night stand (aka sex on a first date or encounter) can be momentary thrilling. I’ve experienced one-niters but never felt emotionally fulfilled afterwards. Sex without emotion is merely exercise.

Granted, I haven’t been intimate for a while. Too long of a time. I am no longer a skinny twenty-something. I’m twice the woman that I was, gained a few wrinkles, and my hair turned completely white in my thirties. I hope that there is a nice guy who likes me and has integrity, intelligence, and a sense of humor. He need to be absolutely single and a nonsmoker. Politically socially liberal and tolerant of others. Somebody who will love me for my flaws. Perfection is an illusion.

Okcupid would be much improved if I could restrict messages from out of the geographical area; I only want to date local men. They should never refer to any woman as a girl, its derogatory. Some of the ads are annoying, especially concerning weight control and the site keeps trying to add cookies to my computer. If these issues persist, I may just sign off.

Cupid, shoot that arrow.
© 2013 Ima B. Musing

NEW YEAR WISHES

World Peace. Yes, but let’s be practical. My number one aspiration for 2013 is a full time job with benefits in the Twin Cities, MN area, preferably the East Metro. I want a job that I am good at and enjoy, with a nice boss and co-workers. I need enough money to pay the bills, donate to charity, and save for retirement. I continue to diligently apply for positions and seek interviews.

Second desire is a beau. It would be enjoyable to have romantic companionship. A nice man with integrity, intelligence, and wit. Single and a nonsmoker. Physical contact, mmm. He should be politically liberal-leaning, patron of the arts, tolerant of people that he disagrees with, and likes cats. I have recently joined a no-cost online dating service and will write about my adventures.

Good health is a perennial requirement. I need to lose weight but otherwise I am doing okay. Gradually, more aches and pains are expressing themselves. I don’t heal as quickly as I used to and my energy level can wane at times. Mental health is just as important as physical health. Despite all the stress of life, I have been able to maintain a fairly optimistic attitude. I hit nasty bumps but I’m getting better at returning to level emotional ground. It’s all about how I react to problems. I can only control my response.

Spiritual well being is another method of emotional grounding. I’m glad that I joined the Unitarian-Universalist faith-based group last year. They are extremely liberal and tolerant. I can be an Animist who questions the existence of Creator(s) and be welcomed as a member of the congregation. I am becoming more active and getting to know people.

I continue to yearn for a better relationship with members of my family. Unfortunately, that has been an unfulfilled wish for many years. It’s better for my mental health just to stay away from them. No matter what I say or do, they consider it wrong. I feel too vulnerable right now to deal with their drama. Sad, sad situation.

Creativity is another objective. I greatly enjoy blogging, volunteering, and coordinating the Cash Mob St Paul MN group. I’d like to explore creative writing and visual arts. It’s been a while since I’ve let my imagination run wild. I don’t expect to make money but perhaps I can craft gifts for my friends.

As always, thank you for your readership. I am most honored that you patronize this odd blog. I greatly appreciate your support and when you refer others to view my writings. The more the merrier!

Have a Fantastic 2013!
© 2013 Ima B. Musing

TALK NERDY TO ME

Since perfection is an illusion, I will be content with Mr. Wonderful. Perhaps I have delayed too long. I didn’t want to get married until I finished my undergrad education. It took me five years to work my way through college. I expected to find a great guy and get hitched anytime after the age of 22. My first “love” Terry broke my heart and left for Europe to visit his old girlfriend. I worked at a horrible job for a year and decided to return to graduate school. Procured a master degree and planned to find a mate and jump the broom after the age of 25. Dated Mike, he proposed and I requested a bit more time. He dumped me and married someone else within a year. Didn’t hurt as much as breaking up with my first serious boyfriend (I was dealing with the miscarriage when Terry left town).

I dated a lot during my 20s, a bit during my 30s, and nada in my 40s. I have made plenty of relationship mistakes. I don’t know if “one got away” like a fish slipping a hook. I have hung out with several guys that I never kissed. Not sure why. More of an intellectual match than a physical spark. I do wonder about Keith. He and I got along very well during grad school. I finally decided that I wanted to kiss him but he disappeared and moved out west. A few years later he returned to Minnesota, got married, and had four kids. I wonder if I should have gone over to his house and grabbed him before he ran away. Not healthy to dwell on the “what if” scenario.

Intelligence is the number one trait. I am attracted to smart men. Not arrogantly intelligent. Smart enough to know that they aren’t smart enough to know everything. Honesty and integrity is the foundation of a good relationship. If we cant trust each other, what is the point of communicating? Humor is important. Not to be mean to others but to chuckle at the foibles of life. Open minded and accepting of diversity is imperative.

Physical traits aren’t all that important. Grooming is, like taking a shower, brushing teeth, and wearing clean clothes. The clothes don’t have to be fancy but at least not raggedy. I really like nice teeth; perhaps it is because I spent so much time with horses as a kid. My grandpa said that the teeth are an accurate indicator of health of an animal. Also, I feel rather self-conscious of my teeth because they are weak. I do not like aggressive men because any form of abuse is not acceptable. Period. End of Discussion.

Infidelity is not tolerated. It is fine to date other people but once a couple declares their “love” or commitment to each other, the sidebar relationships must end. The only exception is if the couple has an “open” relationship and both people can date other people. Full disclosure is better than cheating. However, if they have kids or get married the sidebars must stop because polygamy is reprehensible. Kids get neglected when their parents are diverted by other relationships.

I don’t feel very self-confident right now. My anxiety level is deplorably high due to extended unemployment. I need a nice person who loves me because of my myriad imperfections. I don't mind being single but committed coupling would be enjoyable. It would be absolutely fabulous to be accepted, appreciated, respected, and physically touched.

Wookin pa nub.
(Buckwheat Sings by Eddie Murphy)
© 2012 Ima B. Musing