Tuesday, May 7, 2013


Attended a two-day conference out of town, which was paid for by the sponsoring organization. Returned invigorated by the meetings and exhausted from travel. A pile of notices from my auto insurance company was in the mailbox. I decided to read them. To my dismay, the company is only paying part of my bills from the accident. I am responsible for several visits to the chiropractor and all the massages. I was immediately overwhelmed with fear. How can I pay these bills? I am nearly broke. I began to cry and then sob. I was tired, hungry, dehydrated and now frightened. Terrified is a better descriptor.

Tears rolled down my cheeks. I felt dizzy and disoriented. Panic. Fear. Utter despair. My mind automatically swarmed to foreclosure and losing everything. I’m not a materialistic person but I like my house. I like having a garden and cats. I know that they are a luxury but why am I being punished? What have I done wrong? I volunteer, I donate (when funds permit), and seek to help others. I’ve worked in nonprofits and educational settings for most of my career.

The anxiety sent me spiraling toward the yawning pit of depression. I couldn’t sleep or eat. I could barely drink water. I tried to distract myself but it was difficult. I was in a horrible funk for several days. A friend called and was very concerned because she said that I didn’t sound like my usual perky self. I finally was able to do some chores on the third day but I just can’t deal with the bills right now. My chiropractor has called but I am not able to communicate with her. I don’t know where I will get the money to pay her fee.

I still have to deal with the insurance company. I can’t afford to hire a lawyer to appeal. I want to switch to another company but feel too stressed right now. I am still in the midst of a hectic phase and under a lot of pressure at work. My boss will be starting a two week leave soon, which only adds to the stress. I just want to pull out my hair and scream. Frustrated. Flustered. Still afraid of foreclosure and bankruptcy. All the cats want is food, water, clean litter box and a cuddle. My sweet baboo, Tilly, crawled up on my chest and took a nap after I cried on the couch. At least the cats love me, though I wish that they would contribute to the household income.

Saved by a Purr.
© Copyright 2013 Ima B. Musing: all rights reserved.

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