I am so exhausted. I don’t have the time or energy to volunteer anywhere now. I have to be selfish to survive. I can’t focus externally because my internal is too tense and I am the proverbial “stretched too thin.” I have to work two jobs, care for two cats, and maintain a home. I have too much fear. Fear that if I share anything else, I will cease to function.
I felt terrible informing my volunteer position(s) supervisors that I have to take a hiatus. Thankfully, they understand. I feel rather sad, though, because I wanted to help during the summer floods and presidential visit. I am compelled to aid others but I am the one needing assistance now. I am desperate for a better paying job. I have been in this terrible situation for five long years and several months. I am so over it. I wasn’t materialistic before so I don’t know why I have had to endure this experience.
Due to my lack of time and mental fuel, I have been blogging less. I don’t know if I should persist. If you think that I should continue, please leave a comment. More importantly, urge your friends, family, and others to become regular readers. Without an audience, this blog is worthless.
Thanks for reading!
Copyright © 2014 by Ima B. Musing; All rights reserved
Showing posts with label stress. Show all posts
Showing posts with label stress. Show all posts
Tuesday, July 8, 2014
Thursday, May 16, 2013
MIND TORNADO
Insomnia is a bitch. Right now it is 2am and though my body is fatigued, my restless mind is whirling. Generally, I procure four to six hours of slumber each evening. I rarely gain uninterrupted sleep. I wake easily and am a tosser-turner on a good night. The bladder bellows at least once per evening, which is exasperating. Plus, I have sleep apnea and I fear that my breathing machine will break. I cannot afford to buy a new one. Inability to sleep is torturous. It wrecks the next day entirely.
Stress is insidious. It currently permeates every aspect of my existence. I am tense about my lack of income and trying to accomplish full-time work in part-time hours at a lousy paying dead-end job. I am troubled watching heinous Alzheimer’s consume my Mother. I am hassled by the horrid auto insurance company accusing me of lying about my injuries due to an auto crash that I did not cause. I still experience pain from the accident but have no health insurance. The yard needs to be prepped for spring. So much to do and not enough time to accomplish it all. My calendar is full and I feel frazzled. It churns in a mental twister.
I chewed my fingernails until my mid-twenties and finally broke the habit after I began to see a mental health counselor. However, when I am stressed I begin to chew again. Recently I unconsciously began to tear them off. Thus, I now have extremely short nails because I decided to trim the remainder instead of chomping on them. Not attractive.
Stress drives me to eat away my anxiety. Food in the tummy calms me down. If I get too fretful I tip the other way and can’t eat as I fall into depression. It’s a blade of a knife. I need to lose weight but mental anguish should not be the cause. I strive to take a walk or putter in the garden on a daily basis, weather permitting. Television programs are usually mediocre and I can’t afford any type of entertainment. I can fall into the storyline of a well-crafted novel for distraction. Thank goodness library books are free, well, I pay for access via my taxes. The cats are helpful. They make me take care of their needs and reward me with purrs. Writing is therapeutic, which is why I enjoy blogging and hearing back from kindred readers. It would be nice to have a beau; perhaps coupling would help me to relax.
Enough already! After an extremely dreadful phase, I am feeling better. I shall switch to cheerier topics in forthcoming entries!
Seeking R & R
© Copyright 2013 Ima B. Musing: all rights reserved.
Stress is insidious. It currently permeates every aspect of my existence. I am tense about my lack of income and trying to accomplish full-time work in part-time hours at a lousy paying dead-end job. I am troubled watching heinous Alzheimer’s consume my Mother. I am hassled by the horrid auto insurance company accusing me of lying about my injuries due to an auto crash that I did not cause. I still experience pain from the accident but have no health insurance. The yard needs to be prepped for spring. So much to do and not enough time to accomplish it all. My calendar is full and I feel frazzled. It churns in a mental twister.
I chewed my fingernails until my mid-twenties and finally broke the habit after I began to see a mental health counselor. However, when I am stressed I begin to chew again. Recently I unconsciously began to tear them off. Thus, I now have extremely short nails because I decided to trim the remainder instead of chomping on them. Not attractive.
Stress drives me to eat away my anxiety. Food in the tummy calms me down. If I get too fretful I tip the other way and can’t eat as I fall into depression. It’s a blade of a knife. I need to lose weight but mental anguish should not be the cause. I strive to take a walk or putter in the garden on a daily basis, weather permitting. Television programs are usually mediocre and I can’t afford any type of entertainment. I can fall into the storyline of a well-crafted novel for distraction. Thank goodness library books are free, well, I pay for access via my taxes. The cats are helpful. They make me take care of their needs and reward me with purrs. Writing is therapeutic, which is why I enjoy blogging and hearing back from kindred readers. It would be nice to have a beau; perhaps coupling would help me to relax.
Enough already! After an extremely dreadful phase, I am feeling better. I shall switch to cheerier topics in forthcoming entries!
Seeking R & R
© Copyright 2013 Ima B. Musing: all rights reserved.
Tuesday, March 12, 2013
BROKE DOWN LIFE
First, dealing with the aftermath of a car accident is a pain in myriad ways. Coordinating the healing my body and auto is stressful. Insurance adjustors and paperwork is endless. The insurance company wants to pry ten years into my past, which is rude and unnecessary. I feel vulnerable every time that I see the doctor. Exhausted and the physical pain ebbs and flows.
Second, Zozo my eldest cat has become ill. She is a very sweet seven-year-old feline who purrs when I walk into the room. My heart would break if she would suffer or die. She began to hack a lot in the fall. I thought it was due to hairballs so I switched to Science Diet Elder Adult Anti-Hairball food. The vomiting stopped but she still seemed to cough a lot. She started sneezing in February and now it has developed into a respiratory problem. Thankfully, I located a coupon and took her to the veterinarian. After poking and prodding, the vet determined that she probably had an upper respiratory infection.
A better diagnosis could be made with an expensive blood test or an even more expensive procedure which would involve anesthetizing her to take a sample of the inside of her sinuses. Instead, I opted for a prescription of Clavamox (amoxicillian trihydrate/ calavulanate potassium) 62.5mg tabs twice per day. The problem with Zozo is that she is a smart cat and she hates pills. She knows the sound of my opening the prescription and resists consuming the pill. I have to capture her and force the pill into her mouth, unpleasant for both of us. The vet also wants her to take 250mg of L-Lysine twice per day. I purchased the pills from the pharmacy and must crush them for her to consume. I have mixed them with butter and hummus but she has rejected both. I must figure out another method of convincing her to take the medicine.
NOTE: There is a strong need for a low-cost veterinarian in the East Metro of the Twin Cities, MN. A sliding fee clinic exists in Hopkins but it isn’t worth the cost of fuel to drive all the way there and have a cat cry the entire distance. The stress isn’t good for either of us.
Third, my broke down 100-year-old home has plumbing issues. The upstairs bathroom sink became plugged and Draino didn’t resolve the blockage. I unwound the trap and the entire pipe-works fell apart. I called the handy-person who had installed the pipes for me two years ago when the original pipes rusted. Greg is a nice person but really needs a shave, haircut, belt, and longer shirt because he does fulfill the bad stereotype of a grungy repair-person. Greg used a pipe snake to twist out the plug and then reinstalled the pipes.
Unfortunately, the obstruction just seems to have been moved further down the line. I washed clothes and the water backed up. Thankfully, it was clean water but now I have to call Greg back to snake the sewer line in the basement to try to clear out the impasse. The seal on the basement toilet leaked so I need a new wax ring installed. Plus, the first floor shower needs to be repaired and the upstairs bathroom needs a new faucet because the cold water dial is rusted shut. Actually, the upstairs bathroom requires an entire remodel and have a shower installed.
Fourth, the washing machine and dryer are near death. It irritates me because the washer has ceased agitating the clothes. I have to presoak everything and swish them in the big sink before transferring them into the washer to be spun. The spin cycle isn’t functioning very well and the dryer doesn’t produce much heat. I need a new washer and dryer. I’d love to install an on-demand water heater, too.
Fifth, the oven is dispelling carbon monoxide when I bake. I have to turn on the overhead fan to suck out the fumes because I know that they are dangerous to inhale. I fear baking anything.
Finally, I have cavities. The dentist said that it is probably due to the hormonal changes with the beginning of menopause. I will have to sell something to pay for the fillings. I can't delay because the cavities will only grow and become more expensive.
Normally, all these issues would be a minor irritant but all of them occurring at the same time is overwhelming me with mental anguish. I broke down and sobbed today, which is not normal. I feel alone, afraid and weak. My family isn’t supportive and I don’t have any “best” friends to burden with my sorrow. I strive to be self-sufficient. My financial resources have continued to dwindle since my full-time job was cut to part-time during the summer of 2009. I have endured unemployment and underemployment ever since that time. I am working part-time now and despite completing hundreds of applications and participating in numerous interviews I can’t get hired. I stopped counting the applications and interviews a while ago because it was only adding to my anxiety.
A full-time job with benefits would solve most of my challenges. I could afford to get stuff fixed and would handle the stress healing the whiplash and cat more easily. I will give my job search until the end of the month and then I will just have to pick up a couple more part-time jobs to pay the bills. Part-time jobs pay less per hour than a full-time job so I will probably end up working 60+ hours per week. I won’t have time to write very much. I find writing to be very therapeutic. It helps me to express my inner feelings since I can’t afford to visit with a mental health professional.
If you have ever enjoyed reading this column, please consider making a contribution. Gifts are greatly appreciated. Please send your donation to: http://www.gofundme.com/i4ix0? Thank you ever so much!!
Suffered enough already.
© 2013 Ima B. Musing
Second, Zozo my eldest cat has become ill. She is a very sweet seven-year-old feline who purrs when I walk into the room. My heart would break if she would suffer or die. She began to hack a lot in the fall. I thought it was due to hairballs so I switched to Science Diet Elder Adult Anti-Hairball food. The vomiting stopped but she still seemed to cough a lot. She started sneezing in February and now it has developed into a respiratory problem. Thankfully, I located a coupon and took her to the veterinarian. After poking and prodding, the vet determined that she probably had an upper respiratory infection.
A better diagnosis could be made with an expensive blood test or an even more expensive procedure which would involve anesthetizing her to take a sample of the inside of her sinuses. Instead, I opted for a prescription of Clavamox (amoxicillian trihydrate/ calavulanate potassium) 62.5mg tabs twice per day. The problem with Zozo is that she is a smart cat and she hates pills. She knows the sound of my opening the prescription and resists consuming the pill. I have to capture her and force the pill into her mouth, unpleasant for both of us. The vet also wants her to take 250mg of L-Lysine twice per day. I purchased the pills from the pharmacy and must crush them for her to consume. I have mixed them with butter and hummus but she has rejected both. I must figure out another method of convincing her to take the medicine.
NOTE: There is a strong need for a low-cost veterinarian in the East Metro of the Twin Cities, MN. A sliding fee clinic exists in Hopkins but it isn’t worth the cost of fuel to drive all the way there and have a cat cry the entire distance. The stress isn’t good for either of us.
Third, my broke down 100-year-old home has plumbing issues. The upstairs bathroom sink became plugged and Draino didn’t resolve the blockage. I unwound the trap and the entire pipe-works fell apart. I called the handy-person who had installed the pipes for me two years ago when the original pipes rusted. Greg is a nice person but really needs a shave, haircut, belt, and longer shirt because he does fulfill the bad stereotype of a grungy repair-person. Greg used a pipe snake to twist out the plug and then reinstalled the pipes.
Unfortunately, the obstruction just seems to have been moved further down the line. I washed clothes and the water backed up. Thankfully, it was clean water but now I have to call Greg back to snake the sewer line in the basement to try to clear out the impasse. The seal on the basement toilet leaked so I need a new wax ring installed. Plus, the first floor shower needs to be repaired and the upstairs bathroom needs a new faucet because the cold water dial is rusted shut. Actually, the upstairs bathroom requires an entire remodel and have a shower installed.
Fourth, the washing machine and dryer are near death. It irritates me because the washer has ceased agitating the clothes. I have to presoak everything and swish them in the big sink before transferring them into the washer to be spun. The spin cycle isn’t functioning very well and the dryer doesn’t produce much heat. I need a new washer and dryer. I’d love to install an on-demand water heater, too.
Fifth, the oven is dispelling carbon monoxide when I bake. I have to turn on the overhead fan to suck out the fumes because I know that they are dangerous to inhale. I fear baking anything.
Finally, I have cavities. The dentist said that it is probably due to the hormonal changes with the beginning of menopause. I will have to sell something to pay for the fillings. I can't delay because the cavities will only grow and become more expensive.
Normally, all these issues would be a minor irritant but all of them occurring at the same time is overwhelming me with mental anguish. I broke down and sobbed today, which is not normal. I feel alone, afraid and weak. My family isn’t supportive and I don’t have any “best” friends to burden with my sorrow. I strive to be self-sufficient. My financial resources have continued to dwindle since my full-time job was cut to part-time during the summer of 2009. I have endured unemployment and underemployment ever since that time. I am working part-time now and despite completing hundreds of applications and participating in numerous interviews I can’t get hired. I stopped counting the applications and interviews a while ago because it was only adding to my anxiety.
A full-time job with benefits would solve most of my challenges. I could afford to get stuff fixed and would handle the stress healing the whiplash and cat more easily. I will give my job search until the end of the month and then I will just have to pick up a couple more part-time jobs to pay the bills. Part-time jobs pay less per hour than a full-time job so I will probably end up working 60+ hours per week. I won’t have time to write very much. I find writing to be very therapeutic. It helps me to express my inner feelings since I can’t afford to visit with a mental health professional.
If you have ever enjoyed reading this column, please consider making a contribution. Gifts are greatly appreciated. Please send your donation to: http://www.gofundme.com/i4ix0? Thank you ever so much!!
Suffered enough already.
© 2013 Ima B. Musing
Thursday, November 17, 2011
TOO COOL
It has been one of those years, lots of stuff not working. I strive to focus on the positive and seek the good side of every situation but my patience is wearing thin. The proverbial straw that broke this camel’s back is the furnace. It has ceased heating the water boiler. In a cold climate that is very bad news. If this were the bowel of winter, like the end of January and early February, it could be deadly.
Thankfully, it is only the chilly beginning of the season. The house was 48 degrees Fahrenheit when I woke up this morning. The sunshine is warming the first floor fairly well but its only about 50 degrees on the second floor where my office is located. I am wearing several layers of clothes along with a hat and scarf and I am still shivering. I wrapped a heating blanket around me and that at least keeps my torso warm. The poor cats are puffed up to retain heat. At least they won’t be shedding until the heater is repaired.
I qualify for the Energy Assistance Program due to my low income so I called for help. The nice Repair Coordinator sent out a contractor who looked at the boiler and was not optimistic. I phoned the coordinator and he said that another contractor would contact me for a second opinion and drop off space heaters. If that opinion coincides that the 56 year old furnace is dead then it will have to be replaced. The basic model of 83% efficiency is about $4,000 and I don’t know how much of that I will have to pay. I don’t want to completely drain my savings account. I was planning to purchase the 97% efficiency model next year for $6,000 but it all depends upon my employment situation.
I’ll do whatever they recommend and my dear friend Allie said that I could borrow money from her if needed. I hesitate because money usually messes up relationships. It is better to seek a loan from a bank than pay the heavy price of destroying a relationship. I doubt if I would qualify for a loan right now. I dare not borrow from my parents because the siblings would get in a snit, though two of them never repaid our parents for their personal loans.
Just to add to my glee the car battery is hesitating so it needs to be replaced for about $150, Tillie is showing signs of being in heat again (she needs to get spayed), I can barely see with my glasses (I need a new prescription), and my monthly menses cycle has begun. I’m cold, tired, and feeling a bit crabby. I have some yard work to complete before snow falls but not in the mood today. Dang cold outside too.
I need to conserve my physical and mental energy for an interview tomorrow. The job would be great since I have an interest in the work and I like the supervisor. However, its only 80% time (30 hours per week). I’d have to find another part-part time job and is located about 20 miles from my home. Commuting during bad weather would suck big time. I am getting desperate so I’ll take any job right now. The urge to scream, “Hire me,” is palatable. I have been seeking employment since July 2010. I have sent out nearly 350 applications and gone on fourteen interviews. It’s an unrewarding chore to search and not procure employment. At times I feel hopeless and afraid. Will I lose my home? What happens if I get injured or ill? What is wrong with me? Why won’t anyone hire me??? ARGH! Sorry, I just needed to vent today.
Seeking warmth.
© 2011 Ima B. Musing
Thankfully, it is only the chilly beginning of the season. The house was 48 degrees Fahrenheit when I woke up this morning. The sunshine is warming the first floor fairly well but its only about 50 degrees on the second floor where my office is located. I am wearing several layers of clothes along with a hat and scarf and I am still shivering. I wrapped a heating blanket around me and that at least keeps my torso warm. The poor cats are puffed up to retain heat. At least they won’t be shedding until the heater is repaired.
I qualify for the Energy Assistance Program due to my low income so I called for help. The nice Repair Coordinator sent out a contractor who looked at the boiler and was not optimistic. I phoned the coordinator and he said that another contractor would contact me for a second opinion and drop off space heaters. If that opinion coincides that the 56 year old furnace is dead then it will have to be replaced. The basic model of 83% efficiency is about $4,000 and I don’t know how much of that I will have to pay. I don’t want to completely drain my savings account. I was planning to purchase the 97% efficiency model next year for $6,000 but it all depends upon my employment situation.
I’ll do whatever they recommend and my dear friend Allie said that I could borrow money from her if needed. I hesitate because money usually messes up relationships. It is better to seek a loan from a bank than pay the heavy price of destroying a relationship. I doubt if I would qualify for a loan right now. I dare not borrow from my parents because the siblings would get in a snit, though two of them never repaid our parents for their personal loans.
Just to add to my glee the car battery is hesitating so it needs to be replaced for about $150, Tillie is showing signs of being in heat again (she needs to get spayed), I can barely see with my glasses (I need a new prescription), and my monthly menses cycle has begun. I’m cold, tired, and feeling a bit crabby. I have some yard work to complete before snow falls but not in the mood today. Dang cold outside too.
I need to conserve my physical and mental energy for an interview tomorrow. The job would be great since I have an interest in the work and I like the supervisor. However, its only 80% time (30 hours per week). I’d have to find another part-part time job and is located about 20 miles from my home. Commuting during bad weather would suck big time. I am getting desperate so I’ll take any job right now. The urge to scream, “Hire me,” is palatable. I have been seeking employment since July 2010. I have sent out nearly 350 applications and gone on fourteen interviews. It’s an unrewarding chore to search and not procure employment. At times I feel hopeless and afraid. Will I lose my home? What happens if I get injured or ill? What is wrong with me? Why won’t anyone hire me??? ARGH! Sorry, I just needed to vent today.
Seeking warmth.
© 2011 Ima B. Musing
Friday, July 23, 2010
ADRIFT AT SEA
Grief is not enjoyable. As mentioned in the previous blog, my cat of 7 years, Momo died of cancer in May. The vet suggested that she lose weight so I procured a low-calorie food and I just thought that she didn’t like it. I put her back onto regular food but she didn’t gain back weight so I took her to the vet. Ten days later I had to euthanize her because she was having trouble walking and started to smell sweet. The sweet smell is called ketones a gas given off by mammals as our organs shut down. It was profoundly difficult.
I resigned in April from a job where I liked most of my co-workers (didn’t like the hours being cut to part-time with no benefits) and took another job that I had been warned by two previous employees to avoid. I did not heed their advice because I wanted full time work. I had quickly realized that it was not a good fit and was already seeking another position but the transition occurred faster than I anticipated. Fired in July. I now am filled with anxiety and a touch of depression. Not a good combination.
Another stressor is family. My parents have both had health issues and my mom may have Alzheimer’s. Losing her personality before her body dies and the obvious stress on my dad. I am not close with my family because they are not nice to me. It is best for me to avoid them. I crave closeness but accept that it will never happen.
I have good friends but my two closest friends are busy raising children so I try not to burden them with my sorrows. No romantic partner to lean on. I was injured in May and still dealing with the healing process. The injury hurt so much today that I couldn’t do chores.
I still cry on occasion about Momo. I’m not a freak about animals (too much time spent on a farm) but she was a good companion. She wanted me around. The kitten is sweet, she does like to cuddle. Perhaps I can’t choose a name because I’m afraid of losing her, too.
I’m feeling a bit adrift at sea.
© 2010
I resigned in April from a job where I liked most of my co-workers (didn’t like the hours being cut to part-time with no benefits) and took another job that I had been warned by two previous employees to avoid. I did not heed their advice because I wanted full time work. I had quickly realized that it was not a good fit and was already seeking another position but the transition occurred faster than I anticipated. Fired in July. I now am filled with anxiety and a touch of depression. Not a good combination.
Another stressor is family. My parents have both had health issues and my mom may have Alzheimer’s. Losing her personality before her body dies and the obvious stress on my dad. I am not close with my family because they are not nice to me. It is best for me to avoid them. I crave closeness but accept that it will never happen.
I have good friends but my two closest friends are busy raising children so I try not to burden them with my sorrows. No romantic partner to lean on. I was injured in May and still dealing with the healing process. The injury hurt so much today that I couldn’t do chores.
I still cry on occasion about Momo. I’m not a freak about animals (too much time spent on a farm) but she was a good companion. She wanted me around. The kitten is sweet, she does like to cuddle. Perhaps I can’t choose a name because I’m afraid of losing her, too.
I’m feeling a bit adrift at sea.
© 2010
Sunday, May 2, 2010
RUSH RUSH RUN RUN
Sorry about this belated entry. Working full time for the past couple weeks has been exhausting. Not just due to 40+ hours of work but it is also mentally draining to be learning so much new information. I find that I am thinking about tasks when I am away from the office more frequently than with my former job. There is stress involved with adjusting to a different office environment, per previous entry about a loud workspace. I have brought in a pair of headphones but they don’t really block out the surrounding sound, I must locate a better qualify of gear to purchase.
The job itself is already hectic. I am in charge of recruiting, screening and placing new people and I first need to update the position descriptions, application (remove two illegal questions pertaining to date of birth and disabilities – shocking but true the previous person had these questions on the application), and update the process. My new boss, Susan, is fine. We have a lot of the same philosophies and she came from an office where the standards were as high as mine.
I just feel a bit overwhelmed by the amount of tasks thrown at me. I have to do the intake process, coordinate marketing, do some fundraising and expected to help with client issues. That is one area that I will resist. Right now I’m using the excuse of not knowing the process but I don’t think it’s my role to do that piece. It is better for my boss to do the entire customer service process. I’m not comfortable with pleasing people… mmm, that needs more exploration at a future time.
HAPPY MAY DAY! (one day late)
The job itself is already hectic. I am in charge of recruiting, screening and placing new people and I first need to update the position descriptions, application (remove two illegal questions pertaining to date of birth and disabilities – shocking but true the previous person had these questions on the application), and update the process. My new boss, Susan, is fine. We have a lot of the same philosophies and she came from an office where the standards were as high as mine.
I just feel a bit overwhelmed by the amount of tasks thrown at me. I have to do the intake process, coordinate marketing, do some fundraising and expected to help with client issues. That is one area that I will resist. Right now I’m using the excuse of not knowing the process but I don’t think it’s my role to do that piece. It is better for my boss to do the entire customer service process. I’m not comfortable with pleasing people… mmm, that needs more exploration at a future time.
HAPPY MAY DAY! (one day late)
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